it's a slow fade.

last night, i typed out an email to a friend.  i confessed a feeling of being in a desert. that i'm not hearing from God right now and that hurts. that i don't have desires to be diligent in my studies, but that i have continued going through the motions physically without the heart behind it.  i told her i feel empty.

do you have a friend that you can be so honest with?  i am so grateful for this friend that i have.  the type that i can openly share how i am feeling - what i am experiencing - all my ugly - all my hurt.  she's a very special person that God graciously brought into my life at the perfect moment. 

i typed up that email

i read  and reread what i wrote

i quasi prayed......

....then i deleted it....

do you ever ask yourself questions as if you are in an interview?  i do.  and then i try to answer them. this morning, i woke up and proceeded to do just this.

q: "why are you here in this state?"

a: "my belief as to why is this:

   - i'm not feeling fed at church

   - i no longer attend studies (not because i don't want to, life took hold and the studies offered just 

     don't fit the schedule God has me in right now)

   - it's hard to get fully immersed in the Word when being interrupted by a toddler (whom i am so so 

      so so very grateful for and please don't read that as a complaint)

   - when i have free time at night, i just want to veg out

   - even when i try to get up before sweet p, he seems to hear me and wake up."

q: so, if your friend is how you said, why did you delete the email?

a:  i guess i was only ready to partially admit what i was feeling.  

     in hindsight, i'm glad i didn't send it.  i was willing to take it to her before i took it to God.  yes, He          

     knows how i'm feeling, but i'm hindering my relationship even further by not going to Him first.

q: "how long have you been feeling this way?"

a: ......................................<insert long paused thought silence>.....................................

 "...i don't know... it's a slow fade...

     until one day, you feel empty and you can't figure out how to fill back up."

this morning, i woke before sweet p - i got every ready to go

...then p woke...

right on cue...

it would be another interrupted morning of trying to be in the Word. <sigh>

here's the other thing, i also wrote (&deleted) in that email to my friend

that i just wanted a solitude weekend to fast and pray and just 

be still before the Lord....

i  can't just do that. 

(again, i'm so very grateful for the reason that i can't just do that)

q: do you read a chapter in joshua (the book i've been going through), or do you even bother this morning?  does it really matter?    (see, it's a  s l o w   f a d e)

a: ......................................<insert long paused thought silence>.....................................

                 "yes.  it does matter."

i picked up my bible and read joshua 12.  something written there made me read the study notes (i have the nelson study bible) led me to romans - that led me to exodus - OH MY GOODNESS, i was reading more than just a chapter!

in flipping through, i found a sheet of paper from my previous study group (which was a meditative type study).  i decided to 'ignore' (gasp - how dare i) sweet p and try to do this meditative study.  (over psalm 143:7-12)

the Lord was so gracious, hearing the please of His daughter (that's me), the night before, being poured out into a ghost email.  sweet p sat playing (as quietly as a toddler can) at my feet as i lectio'd my way through.  He taught me so much in that 30 min He gave me.  what He taught me most, i am my own enemy and foe.  when i choose not to be in His Word, not to meditate and seek Him, i am preventing myself from being fed.  

today, i am filled!

thank you, Jesus!

Hurts.

This past week has been filled with me seeing, hearing, and experiencing the hurts of life.

I have cried, been angry and sad, been confused as I hear of another person with cancer

But this time, it's a close family member. 

And it's his second battle with a different type.

I have been sad and hurt listening to a friend share difficulties in her marriage.

I have been angry and cried as I watch another woman cry through her struggles of depression being unable to conceive & carry a healthy baby.

Just to name a few...

I don't "get it"!  

I don't understand! 

I don't like it! 

But I do know God turns our ashes in beauty.

I do know that God does not cause bad, but He will turn bad to good---in His time.

I do know that when we hurt, God hurts.  And guess what, He doesn't like it either.

I do know that there will come a day when there are no more hurts- there are no more tears- there is no more sadness.

For this, I have hope. 

For this, I believe in a better tomorrow.

For this, I long for the coming day of Jesus.

Until then, 

"Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ" 

- Galatians 6:2

"Encourage one another as long, as it is called 'Today', 

so that none of you are hardened by sin's deceitfulness" 

- Hebrews 3:13

40 Days

Next week, Thursday to be exact, is the first day of the Bible Study/Life Group I will be facilitating.  Nervous? Yes!  Excited? Yes!  Coveting Prayers?  YES!

We are starting in Acts.  Does that strike anyone else as "coincidentally" appropriate?  I have to confess, until this morning, it hadn't even dawned on me the timing!!  (I don't believe in coincidence if following God's will and path.) 

I had been praying, prior to deciding what to do, that the Spirit would reveal to me what type of study I should do and where we should start...I felt a very clear direction to start in Acts and just walk through the Word.  Before I was able to share that with the Pastor, he said "Let me tell you what I would like to see..." and proceeded to tell me how he would love it if we just went straight through the books of the Bible

(Confirmation??  I think so!)

I then shared with him that I was feeling led to start in the book of Acts.  Prior to today, this made sense to me because:

a) I've attended several studies that started in Acts, but we never finished (anyone who knows me,  

    knows I like to finish a book - even if I don't like the book, like "Lord of the Flies") 
b) our church is currently on a Matthew through John challenge, so the following book would be Acts

Doesn't that make sense?!

Today, I feel I received a very valuable realization...

Acts begins with a brief what Jesus did after He rose and before He ascended.

YES- I already knew that!  

But what I didn't realize (because I'm horrible with time), is that we would be starting our study the Thursday following Easter Sunday - 

what's that?!  Do I mean Resurrection Sunday?!  Why yes, yes I do!!  

And that, my friends, is where my "coincidentally appropriate" comes in!  ('scuse my excitement, I get this way when I feel God showing me new stuff, even if it's tiny).  This may be something you already thought of- I'm typically a bit late on the uptake.

As I was reading Acts 1 this morning (and having my epiphany), the 40 days stood out to me.  Maybe it's all my singing of Arky Arky to Phalen - 

you know "The Lo-ord told Noah to build him an Arky Arky...

get.those.animals out of the muddy muddy"

(now it's stuck in your head isn't it?!)

anyways, 40 days has been standing out to me a lot.  

God used 40 days with Noah (see above song referenced).  Jesus was in the wilderness fasting for 40 days.  And in Acts 1, Jesus spent 40 days, after He rose, proving He is alive and spreading the news of the Kingdom of God.(vs 3)  40 seems to be an important number!  I'm not a theologian, so currently I don't know the significance, but I am going to be looking into that.

Reading this, I was moved to challenge myself to let Jesus prove Himself to me.  Ok, before this sounds like some sort of heresy, let me state for the record that Jesus does not have to prove Himself to me; 

I am a full blown, sold out believer in Jesus Christ as my Lord and Saviour!

  

But I would be kidding myself to say that I see Him in my everyday life....not that He isn't there, it's just I fail to pay attention.  

I fail to let Jesus reveal Himself to me in the ways He wants to.  

I fail to feel Him in the wind and see Him in the sunsets.  

I fail to experience Him in relationships. 

I fail to breathe Him in from the scent of a rose.  

Not everyday, of course!  There are days I'm seeing and feeling and breathing and experiencing Jesus in all that is around and all that I do.  But if I were to be honest, I would say it's not enough.  And I would say I can have a bad moment afterwards and forget about it.  I would say:

"I do believe, Lord, help my unbelief" - Mark 9:24

Because in the end, isn't that what it's about...we fail to believe?!  For isn't it that if we had belief even the amount of a mustard seed..........And didn't Jesus have to prove himself to his own apostles because they didn't believe?!

Soooo, back to my challenge.  For 40 days, I will be looking for Jesus, and I will be asking Him to "prove" Himself to me. And I realize that much of how/where I see Him right now is in my lil Sweet P, after all, he's a gift from God, but I will be trying to look beyond my son.  See past his cute little chubby cheeks to the sunset in the background.  Look up at the night sky to be enamored by the stars instead of stare at Sweet P's little person when I'm rocking & nursing him when he wakes at 2am.  Engage with the cashier at the grocery store rather than make googley eyes & sounds with my baby.  And any other way the Lord chooses to reveal Himself or use me. 

*but don't think I won't still be fully engrossed in my son

can't help it.  he's got me where he wants me*

I am sad that I have to challenge myself on something like this.  I wish I could say this is just second nature, but I would be lying (and let's face it, I have enough things on my list to work on, trying to keep lying off that list - even though I'm pretty good at lying to myself and ignoring what's truly in my ugly wicked heart).

My hope and my prayer is that this will become second nature, 

that I will not need a challenge to force me to pay attention to Jesus 

and what he's trying to share with me.

I will be starting this 40 days after Resurrection Day, just like Jesus did.  I think I might even extend the challenge to the group of women that come to the study.  

How about you, will you take this challenge with me?
Is there something else you wish to work on over the next 40 days?

Desires

Is it wrong to have desires?

Should I not have wants?

I remember growing up, we'd play a game called "I claim".  We would see something we wanted and we'd say "I claim that Lamborghini" and so that became "Mine" when I grew up and none of my siblings could claim the same Lamborghini as me...they had to find a different one to claim if they wanted it.

[Source]

Do you remember this?!  Oh it was so cool back then

When mom would catch us, we'd get in t-r-o-u-b-l-e!  

Mom didn't really like us having such wants.

I think about this quite frequently.  America is 'fat' on things!  We have and we have.  So often the phrase "First World Problem" soars through my mind.  So much so, I feel I can just acronym it now

That's another F.W.P. if you know what I mean...

(If it wasn't for that "W", I'm sure it would catch on pretty quickly.)

I have a wonderful husband, a beautiful son, a home, food, a loving family, health insurance, a vehicle... a kitchenaid... I mean what more could I want?!

my family to live closer to us, or better - us to move closer to them

remodel and redecorate my home (starting with new interior paint)

to go on an amazing vacation to another continent

to adopt a little girl from Guatemala (I don't know why-just want to)

a dehydrator, bigger crock-pot, waffle iron, etc

a great big back yard with LOTS of sun for a garden and beautiful raised beds

an insulated and electric greenhouse for yummy veggies all winter

to be able to eat eggs again (coming as soon as Sweet P is done nursing)

to have an amazing talent that I could market

and sooo many more things!!

See.....F.W.P.!

And most of these are solvable with enough money...but is there every really "enough" money...and isn't that just another desire?!

This topic of desires/wants has come up quite a bit in my world.  Sometimes it's because my friends and I are actually hashing out these questions and confessing our hearts sins and hurts... Other times it's because I'm confused why wanted objects have become such an intense need in a friend's life, or my life. 

So, what's the answer?

Well, I don't have 'the' answer, I'm sure!  But I know what scripture says - aside from the "Thou Shalt Not Covet" that is.

So here's my hash out:

God created us to want and to desire so that we would desire Him and a life with Him.  
We will always desire something more, until we are in perfect communion with Him: 

"...He has put eternity in their hearts..." - Ecclesiastes 3:11b

"Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart". - Psalm 37:4

"...who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's." - Psalm 103:5

"And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart." - Jeremiah 29:13

Reading these, I see a generous Father, who desires to give to us.

And He knows we have desires - HE GAVE US the desire to desire! 

But our heart motive plays the biggest role here.  Are we seeking God's will and His desires for our life?  When we seek Him, and His will, our desires will be what He wants for us.

I remember the years after William, I wanted a baby so badly.  I was so angry that I didn't get to bring William home with me.  I didn't know how to tell people about him.  When people would ask if we were going to start trying to have a family, I wanted to yell at them

"WE ARE A FAMILY"

And then I wanted to yell at them the truth of our family.   I would get upset seeing unwed mothers having babies.  I would get upset seeing pregnant women smoke, or 'just have a sip' of wine or beer.  I was happy for my friends that I felt "deserved" a baby when they told me they were pregnant, but if I felt they didn't deserve it, I was jealous and angry.  (Reality check- Who am I to judge who deserves this and who doesn't?!)

In my desires to have a baby, I became very sinful!  I didn't speak it aloud, but OH BOY! was it ever in my heart.  It was U-G-L-Y!  I was ugly!

How could I do a "good work" for my Savior when my heart's focus was not on the desires He had for me.  My heart's focus was definitely on what I wanted for me... (Like I know what's best for me)

"The righteousness of the upright delivers them, but the unfaithful are trapped by evil desires" - Proverbs 11:6

"...but the worries of this life, the deceitfulness of wealth and the desires for other things come in and choke the word, making it unfruitful."  - Mark 4:9

Thankfully, His perfect Love is so much bigger than my selfish desires.  God understands me!  He knows my emotions, my hurts, my angers, my bitterness.  He understands me because HE CREATED ME!  And He created me with emotions...but He also created me to desire Him.  To seek Him.  To look to Him when I am hurt and angry and bitter.  And regardless of what a brat I am being, He can still and does still use me.

He lovingly worked me through my emotions and desires.  And I found myself really truly desiring what He wanted for me!  How do I know this?  Well, because I wasn't angry and bitter when I would see unwed pregnant women, instead I wanted to help them...they are going to have a hard road and need help.  I wasn't angry and bitter when I saw pregnant women smoke, I was sad and would pray for them and that child(ren).  I began to see that nobody 'deserves' anything we are given, but that

God blesses all of us - 

and His blessings don't look the same for everyone, 

but they are just as amazing 

because it's what God knows is perfect for you!

I would battle keeping this desire in check though.  Over the years, I definitely had to examine my heart on this many times... And I remember the day I really truly gave this over.  It was so freeing!   And a few months later, I found out I was going to have my little Sweet P.

My desire was one God had for me, I just had years of my heart putting my desire above all else and that desire became my idol.

So, if God created me to have desires, how can they be wrong?

He created us to desire a life with Him and eternity with Him.  We will be "wanting" until we are home with Him - we are strangers in this world and will be lacking in comfort until we are HOME.

In our sinful human nature, we fill those wants and desires with THINGS (house, car, spouse, children, degrees, top of the corporate ladder, etc) and we always think our life will be complete "once" we obtain ____________ (fill in the blank)

NOT SO!

But don't forget-

The One who made the stars does not want you to be satisfied with what you can obtain on earth.

He wants you to desire a life with Him - to be satisfied with in a joy given by Him

God does give to us desires in this world, but it is our heart's motive that will gauge if our desire is Godly or worldly.  And He does bless us with things in this world.  

And what HE gives is Good!

What desires do you feel God has placed on your heart lately?  I would love to hear what Good Things and Opportunities God is blessing you with.

Not A Sparrow Falls - the Story of my Profession of Faith

"Are not two sparrows sold for a copper coin? 

And not one of them falls to the ground without apart from your Father's will.

Do not fear therefore;

You are of more value than many Sparrows."

- Matthew 10:29 & 31 (NKJV)

Over the past few weeks, I've had the opportunity to hear stories of how God has been using my testimony.  It wasn't until about a year and a half ago that I really started to share my story.  I was 'ashamed' for so many reasons.  I felt guilt, worthlessness, sadness, anger, and a whole myriad of other emotions.  So, to 7+ years later hear that God has been using it, well, that's just a humbling, amazing, face to the ground blessing.  

I've made mention on this blog to my son William, but have not shared my testimony of my profession of faith in Jesus Christ.  William is part of that testimony.  I feel God calling me to share my story more and more these days, and as hesitant as I can be with that, I am going to be obedient.  I am going to start by sharing it here.  I warn you, it is long!

I received this image from a friend.
I am not sure where they received it,
but I love the image 

In 2005, my husband and I were expecting our first baby.  We went in to the 20 week checkup to find out the gender and found out there was something wrong with our baby boy that was suspected to be Trisomy 18, or Edward's Syndrome.  We went to several different doctors, including specialists, and had an amniocentesis to confirm.  We knew we wouldn't bring our baby boy home with us and we started changing our thought process from prepping for a baby to prepping for grief.

At 23 weeks into my pregnancy, I delivered William Ryan.  

His heart stopped beating on October 6th, 2005.  

I was induced at 6am on October 10th, 2005.  Four days later was the soonest they could schedule an induction.  I was in labor for a little over 26 hours.

 October 11th, 2005,  I delivered my son. 

I was not a Christian then.  It would be another 4 and 1/2 months before I turned to Jesus and accepted Him into my life.   

I knew there was no making sense of what we went through, that's just life.

I spent the next 4 1/2 months in a life of fear and depression.  

I stopped doing my hobbies because all I saw in doing them was death.  

I had started knitting earlier that year, but stopped because I literally envisioned an earthquake happening and the needles piercing through my eye or chest during a jolt.

  

I was afraid to drive my car because I envisioned fatal car accidents. 

I was afraid to go to work in fear that the brick building would collapse and be fatal. 

I was afraid to sit in my house because someone might break in.  

My life was so riddled with fears, I had to force myself to go to work because I knew that I still needed my job and an income.  

Aside from my fears, I felt like a failure.  

I felt the person I had failed the most was my husband. 

I would say to myself "why would he want to be married to me?  I can't even give him a healthy child." This would be repeated in my head over and over for months.  

I started acting upon that thought and became not nice to him... literally saying to myself 

"well, if I can get him to leave me, then he can find someone else that can give him a child and it will be my fault, not his."  

Thankfully, my husband is AMAZING! 

I will never forget the day I was walking up the stairs and I said something very snide to him.  He looked at me and said 

"I lost him too, Secora.  I'm hurting too.  

Being mean isn't going to fix it or change it.  

We need to work through this together."  

WHOA, was that a wake up call!!  He just has a way of knowing what is going through my head/heart and not letting me wallow in it for too long.

During this time, I constantly felt chaos pouring through my head.

I would listen to music to try and drown out the chaos (music has always been my outlet, my comfort).  My music became just more chaos so I started flipping through the radio stations.  I finally found a radio station that didn't seem to add to the noise in my head, 

but rather calm it...it was so nice...

then I would hear the words

 prayer, God, Jesus, Christian

Well THAT is NOT what I needed. Or so I thought!

Over the next few weeks, I started finding this scenario repeat more and more frequently.  I got to the point where I started leaving the station on (which I discovered was K-LOVE)  because it just really felt good to have my mind calmed for a moment, however brief that moment may be.  

One day in January, I came home and told my husband I wanted to start going to church.  Neither one of us knew where to go, but I wanted to go.  I looked up some churches in the directory and we started going to a couple - the benefit of being in a city, there are services multiple times a week/day.  One of the churches we were attending had a group study called Alpha; we started attending that on Thursday nights.

On February 23, 2006, Justin and I were driving home from our third session of Alpha.  It was dark outside, and there was a freezing rain, but no snow around - it had all melted.  We stopped at a stoplight and I started crying.  Justin looked over at me and asked what was wrong, I burst out 

"I'm going to hell." 

He asked me what I wanted to do about it and I replied that I didn't know, but I didn't want to go to hell.  We drove the rest of the way home (which seemed almost an eternity) in silence.  Maybe he talked, maybe I talked, but I don't remember that.  What I do remember is that the entire ride home, 

I contemplated whether I should give my life to Jesus or not.  

I sat and thought of all the things I would have to change in my life.  I thought about the friendships this would affect, if I did choose Jesus.  I tried to rationalize if I could just "be a good person"...  

Truth is, I was a horrible person.  I had so many things I had written up as "I don't regret because it's those things that have made me who I am today and I am a strong person because of them." 

WHAT A LIE we tell ourselves!!   

It was those things that kept me steeped in darkness and death!

It was those things that made me weak. 

and fearful.  

and untrusting.

We finally arrived home, we didn't say much to each other for a bit.  We both got ready for bed.  As I was sitting on the bed, my husband came in with a Bible.  He read a few scriptures out of it (I don't even remember which ones they were), then asked me if I wanted to pray.  I said Yes.  

And then I said "YES" to Jesus.

After turning my life over to Christ, my grief, my depression, my fears became easier to deal with.  It was still there, but He comforted me and gave me a peace that surpasses all understanding.  It was then that I started to realize 

my son's life, however brief, made a huge impact. 

I began to realize that every moment since knowing I was pregnant with him and since, has been a gift.   He saved my life both spiritually and physically. Not only did I come to know Jesus, but we also discovered I had medical needs that we were not aware of prior to.  

I am so grateful for the sacrifice Jesus made for us.  My life has been filled with amazing adventures and wonderful people that God has given me.   

Today, I still have fears...they are not the same as they were then, but they are fears.  I don't battle with depression - yes, I still have moments where I get depressed and I feel helpless, but it is not the same as it was then- I know I have Hope.  I still grieve not being able to hold and kiss my son, William, but I rejoice in that he doesn't have to experience a life and a world without Jesus. 

I will tell Phalen about his older brother.  After all, he will need to know who it is he will meet one day.   I look forward to the day I get to see my son, and I know I will because 

 I said "YES" to Jesus.

You're Invited!

Image Credit

Getting ready for church tonight, I greatly lacked a desire to go.  I know this sounds terrible, but I REALLY wanted to skip and have a relaxing Christmas Eve dinner at my in-law's then head home for a quiet night and to bed on time.

I am constantly praying that God will change my attitude real quick when I have negative thoughts.  Well, He certainly did that tonight!  Shortly after feeling a desire to skip, the thought occurred me

This isn't just another church service

This is a celebration of Jesus' Birth

This is Jesus' Birthday Celebration!

Jesus is my King!

Do you know what that means?!  

I was invited to attend the Birthday of a KING!

How could I not want to go?!  How could I not want to get dressed up?!  After all, I would be attending a King's birthday party!!!  

So quickly my attitude did change; I was actually excited to go.  And my selfish ideas were no longer what I had in mind; I couldn't wait to go to church!  I even wanted to bake a cake and write "Happy Birthday Jesus" on it (darn, I wish I'd had more time - perhaps a new tradition to start next year!)  

Needless to say, I made sure we left with plenty of time (accounting for possible traffic delays and/or snowfall); we arrived 45 minutes early, so we went for coffee/tea while we waited :)  HA- How is that for an attitude adjustment?! 

I am thankful for the Spirit's prick in my perspectives.  I pray that I will always be open to a change of perspective when I fail to see the magnitude of Who I turn to everyday, Who I serve, Who I seek, Who I long to spend time with: THE KING - Jesus Christ, my Savior.  

Here is your invitation to The King's birthday party!

From my family to yours-

Merry Christmas!

Our "Little" Blessing - part Two

Mother's Day 2012

24.5 wks 

I have struggled for most of my life with allergies to many medicines, chemicals, preservatives, etc, as well as a few different foods.  I discover new allergies every year, YAY!!

About a year after having William, I got very sick.  After going to a general practitioner, I was referred to an internal specialist.  When the specialist tried to diagnose me with first Crohn's Disease,  then Ulcerus Colitus, I realized I needed to go to a doctor who thinks outside of the box.  My new doctor discovered I have a type of anemia where my red blood cells attack Vitamin B12.  I also have a sensitivity to Vitamin C, Iron and Calcium.

When I get my nutrient levels checked, it seems I am always deficient in something.  Between my allergies and deficiencies, it seems I'm always struggling to just be "healthy" so-to-speak.

December 30th, 2011, I came home with a new wine to try for our New Years Eve celebration.   When I got home, I realized I was five days late for my monthly cycle.  Since I wasn't having any weird symptoms, I just assumed my cycle was shifting since I work with so many women.

I let my husband know I was late and here is how the subsequent conversation went:

Hubs:   Is this normal?
Me:   Um, could be
Hubs:   How often are you typically late?
Me:   hmm, maybe once or twice a year
Hubs:   Are you ever 5 days late?
Me:   Uhm, I don't think so
Hubs:   Do you think you should take a pregnancy test?
Me:   Bahaha, uh, NO
Hubs:   Why not?
Me:    Why would I?
Hubs:    I think you should take a test
Me:    Naw, I don't think it's necessary, I'm sure I'll be back to normal soon
Hubs:    Ok, here's the deal, take the test, have a glass of wine....don't take the test, no wine.
Me:    Serious?!  <giggling> We know it's gonna be negative....
Hubs:    Well, then you can have a glass of wine.
Me:    FINE!  <laughing>  I'll take a test and waste money.

About 10 minutes later....... me running downstairs to 'Justin-ville' (man cave) screaming "We're gonna have a BA-BEEE, We're gonna have a BA-BEEE" and waving my lil stick in the air.

The Hubs, who just heard frantic screaming came out of 'Justin-ville' and said "what?! what?! calm down, calm down".  Realizing what I was screaming and waving around he then said:

"Did you pee on that thing and now you're waving it in the air possibly flinging that pee around?!"

So, after laughing hysterically at his comment, then staring at the stick FOR-EVER, we realized:

We're gonna have a baby!!

So, let's back up a few months....In August, I felt that I had a little 'prompting' to stop taking all my supplements.  After a few weeks of feeling this prompt, I did.  I quit taking all my supplements.  I did not consult a doctor.  I did not share this with anyone, I just decided to follow what I believed God was saying.  

A few weeks later, I ended up at a Chiropractic office (for the first time ever) speaking with Dr. Jessica!  I was not happy about this, but I literally couldn't move, my back was completely out.  After spending a few months getting my body back on track, and finding out my hips and pelvis have been completely off track (due to a shortened right leg) causing so many problems in my spine and overall health, I was feeling great!  I found out my Chiropractor's specialty is infertility, pregnancies women and children...Huh?!  So, in December, I made an appt with her, to begin in January, processes to determine if I'm possibly unable to get pregnant.

Also in December (19th to be exact), I had my annual exam with my ob-gyn.  I asked him to run a full panel of nutrient and hormone levels.  I really wanted to know how deficient I have become since August without supplements (even though I was feeling great!).  

On the 26th, my results came back.....I was perfect!!  For the first time in my life, I wasn't deficient in ANYTHING!  ALL my levels were exactly where they should be!  Even my glucose levels!  (which I have been hypoglycemic my whole life and was recently labeled as pre-diabetic - grandparents had Type I).  Praise God - He is my Healer!

So, after the "Wine Conversation" with my husband a week later, I was able to go to my Chiropractic appt in January and let her know our plans/appt reasons would be changing because

I have been given a Blessing!!

So, there's the short of our story of "Our 'Little' Blessing"!   It has been quite a journey since that first moment finding out.  I thought I would be a nervous, terrified wreck my entire pregnancy, but I'm not.  God's mercies are new everyday and He feels me with such strength and peace in Him!  He has been my Sustainer in health, and in mind, and in heart.  

 "Walking for William Ryan"

25.5 weeks at the March of Dimes

May 17th, 2012

I praise God daily for the medical professionals that He has given the want, the will, the minds and the knowledge to help us healthily carry babies.  I consider them more blessings to count.   Despite any difficulties I may have or have had, God has helped me keep perspective in the gift I've been given!  

Praising Him in every moment;  through the good, the bad, or the incredible, my Hope is in Jesus Christ!

What little (or HUGE) blessings have you been given lately?

Our "Little" Blessing - part One

I wanted to take some time to share the magnitude of our current "little" blessing.  Little being such a relative word, as this gift is a HUGE blessing.  Day by day.

As I share, please keep in mind, this is what I personally battled.  My husband, I'm sure has had his own battles, but this is to share mine. (since it's quite a long story, I will share thus far in two parts - today is part one)

For years, I prayed and lamented over having a child.  Some months, the heartache would be great as I would just "know" I was pregnant, but the test would say negative, and sure enough, life would go on, sans baby.   I would have many ask us when we were going to "try" or when we were going to start a family.

This question irks me!!

WE ARE A FAMILY.  

Our family started when we said "I Do".

I would try to be gracious and merciful in my replies (just as Jesus is with me) and understand that others don't always know of our past.  Not all who ask us know that we have a son, William Ryan, who was born sleeping in 2005.  Not all who want us to experience the joy of parenthood, know the pain and heartache of losing a child.  Sometimes, I would let them know that we are a family and we have a son who has gone on before. Sometimes I wouldn't share anything about my son. But ALWAYS I would let them know that 

if a child is God's plan for our little family, then He will make it happen in His time. 

There were times people felt we just didn't want children, since we hadn't had any yet.  Which invokes comments of 'selfish' or 'can't deal with the change'.  Strange that people would think such things if we have never spoken such things.  

I often had people ask me if we'd tried fertility treatments, or seen a fertility specialist to talk about options.  I would try not to be offended as I felt and thought "there is nothing wrong with me".  I would pray that I would hold fast to the Truth that I know.  

I started to have doubts, that maybe I do need to see a fertility doctor.  That maybe that is what God is trying to tell me.  And after agonizing months of living with my thoughts, I talked to my husband about it.  Well, shortly after, 

I had an early term miscarriage.  I did not even know I was pregnant!!!  

But I saw it as a blessing.

I felt God telling me

"It's not you, daughter, just trust Me."

I thought that if I ever did become pregnant, and I knew about it, I would be scared and anxious the entire pregnancy.  I knew, in the back of my mind, that I would be a Nervous Nelly, biting my nails, panicking over every weird feeling, not wanting to share the blessing; which would, in the end, rob us of all joy.

In November 2011, I felt myself really release my desires of a child to God.   I remember sitting with my cup of coffee, meditating on His goodness and feeling an overwhelming peace as I spoke aloud:

"You are enough, Jesus."

And, for the first time since becoming a Christian, I truly believed that!

Stewardship

2011 is on it's way out!    God taught me a lot, challenged me a lot, restored much and set a thought on my heart that He is working in me.

Be a good Steward of that which you have been given

God loves to delight in His children.  He gives us much.  His gifts are innumerable, and with those gifts, (whether physical, spiritual, emotional, etc) He asks us to be a good steward of them.  

"As each one has received a gift, minister it to one another, 

as good stewards of the manifold grace of God."

~ 1 Peter 4:10 

"And the Lord said, "Who then is that faithful and wise steward, whose master will make ruler over his household, to give them their portion of food in due season?"

~ Luke 12:42

All that we have, He has given.  All He has given, He entrusts to us to manage it well.  And since we belong to Him, all that I have, that He gave me, belongs to Him.   What belongs to Him, He will ask an account of.

"So He called him and said to him, 'What is this I hear about you?  

Give an account of your stewardship....'"

~ Luke 16:2a

Reading this verse, I must ask myself:

"Secora, what are doing with that which God has given you?!  

What are you going to do about that?"

So 2012, I will be meditating on Stewardship. I will meditate and pray on how I(we) can be, or rather how God would like me(us) to be, a good steward of what He has given me(us).  I pray that God will chisel me and build in me His will for what He has given us.

Reflecting on some gifts I have received:

~ The Mister - my Hubby

~ Our friends and family (and our 'church' family)

~ My Lil' Miss Marianne

~ Our country and the freedom to openly worship Jesus

~ Our home

~ Our Health
~ Our ministries 

     : the Hubs, I believe, is High School Football officiating

     : William's Gift
~ Our vehicles and jobs

~ Our bible studies

~ and sooo much more


Do you have any goals for 2012?  I would love to hear some!