it's a slow fade.

last night, i typed out an email to a friend.  i confessed a feeling of being in a desert. that i'm not hearing from God right now and that hurts. that i don't have desires to be diligent in my studies, but that i have continued going through the motions physically without the heart behind it.  i told her i feel empty.

do you have a friend that you can be so honest with?  i am so grateful for this friend that i have.  the type that i can openly share how i am feeling - what i am experiencing - all my ugly - all my hurt.  she's a very special person that God graciously brought into my life at the perfect moment. 

i typed up that email

i read  and reread what i wrote

i quasi prayed......

....then i deleted it....

do you ever ask yourself questions as if you are in an interview?  i do.  and then i try to answer them. this morning, i woke up and proceeded to do just this.

q: "why are you here in this state?"

a: "my belief as to why is this:

   - i'm not feeling fed at church

   - i no longer attend studies (not because i don't want to, life took hold and the studies offered just 

     don't fit the schedule God has me in right now)

   - it's hard to get fully immersed in the Word when being interrupted by a toddler (whom i am so so 

      so so very grateful for and please don't read that as a complaint)

   - when i have free time at night, i just want to veg out

   - even when i try to get up before sweet p, he seems to hear me and wake up."

q: so, if your friend is how you said, why did you delete the email?

a:  i guess i was only ready to partially admit what i was feeling.  

     in hindsight, i'm glad i didn't send it.  i was willing to take it to her before i took it to God.  yes, He          

     knows how i'm feeling, but i'm hindering my relationship even further by not going to Him first.

q: "how long have you been feeling this way?"

a: ......................................<insert long paused thought silence>.....................................

 "...i don't know... it's a slow fade...

     until one day, you feel empty and you can't figure out how to fill back up."

this morning, i woke before sweet p - i got every ready to go

...then p woke...

right on cue...

it would be another interrupted morning of trying to be in the Word. <sigh>

here's the other thing, i also wrote (&deleted) in that email to my friend

that i just wanted a solitude weekend to fast and pray and just 

be still before the Lord....

i  can't just do that. 

(again, i'm so very grateful for the reason that i can't just do that)

q: do you read a chapter in joshua (the book i've been going through), or do you even bother this morning?  does it really matter?    (see, it's a  s l o w   f a d e)

a: ......................................<insert long paused thought silence>.....................................

                 "yes.  it does matter."

i picked up my bible and read joshua 12.  something written there made me read the study notes (i have the nelson study bible) led me to romans - that led me to exodus - OH MY GOODNESS, i was reading more than just a chapter!

in flipping through, i found a sheet of paper from my previous study group (which was a meditative type study).  i decided to 'ignore' (gasp - how dare i) sweet p and try to do this meditative study.  (over psalm 143:7-12)

the Lord was so gracious, hearing the please of His daughter (that's me), the night before, being poured out into a ghost email.  sweet p sat playing (as quietly as a toddler can) at my feet as i lectio'd my way through.  He taught me so much in that 30 min He gave me.  what He taught me most, i am my own enemy and foe.  when i choose not to be in His Word, not to meditate and seek Him, i am preventing myself from being fed.  

today, i am filled!

thank you, Jesus!

It's Been A Little While...since then...

WOWZA!  Well, the title says it best.  It's been a little while since my last post (I hate admitting I'm over a year!!!)   Well, it's because we were so full of amazing activity that I just didn't have time to sit and type it all up.

Ok, that's a lie.

Winter fun selfie!

Truthfully, I have been busy, but I've been exhausted and I've been without any thought beyond "what can I trick Sweet P into eating today?!"- honestly, trick is the correct word.  He doesn't like to eat a-n-y-t-h-i-n-g!  Even when he asks specifically for something, he just squishes and mashes it into whatever surface he can (walls, plate, pants, hair...)

SO, I've resorted to the two H's of toddler motherhood:  Hiding and Hoping.

which, by the way, I've discovered these two go into so many areas of toddler motherhood - i'm on a D.D. track (daily deception)

Yup- I hide nutrient packed foods into the two little items he will occasionally eat (Quesadilla & Spaghetti/pasta w/marinara) and hope he doesn't notice.

My picky eater loves pasta & marinara!

Enough about that, there's plenty of time for me to talk food later.  Right now, I'm sure, I need to catch you up on where the heck we've been.

Well,  in June the Mr. got a promotion at work!!!   That was a wonderful blessing, both to our finances and his hard work & dedication.  I am so proud of him.  He continued in his MBA program and to officiate High School football through the fall.   He's an ambitious one, I tell ya!  He completed his MBA in January and we through him a fun surprise congratulatory party!  (He would have said no if I'd asked him if I could...can't say no to a surprise!)

Taking a break from all the seriousness to enjoy an Alaskan tradition:
the Fur Rondy Parade

I continued to serve on the women's ministry team at church, assisting in planning the annual women's retreat, christmas coffee, and other events.  In November, I was asked to take over the Director position that was coming available (pending an out of state move for the current leader).  After MUCH wrestling with God, discussions with the Mr. and advice from my prayer warriors, I reluctantly accepted.  (please don't misinterpret - my reluctance is due to no desire whatsoever to lead, but God's will is far more important to me and He made His will known to me loud & clearly!  So, I was/am obedient - in this venture anyways ;) )  I officially took over the position, Dec 6th.  We plan an event every month, so it's a big job, but there are many many blessings!

In October, my step-FiL was in a plane crash that tragically took the life of the pilot.  By no small miracle, my FiL (Pop as P calls him) survived.  While he was in the hospital, we were told several times to prep for him to not make it through the night.  He spent 59 days in the hospital and was released a week before Christmas.  His healing has been 100% a miracle.  The Drs and specialists are constantly reminding him that it is a miracle he's alive, let alone doing so well.  P has become his "therapy".  We take him to his Dr appts (my MiL works full time), we take him on outings with us to the park, lunch, zoo,  etc.    They have a special relationship.  We praise God for his life and healing every day.  I am so thankful for Pop's love of my lil Sweet P and am thankful they get so much time together.   I am grateful I am able to stay home with my lil man and therefore am able to also help my MiL (who P knows as MeMe).  P's third favorite person is MeMe (assuming Daddy and I are his #1 & 2).

Sweet P's first time seeing Pop after the accident.
Pop was released one week later!

Sweet P taking Pop for a walk on a cold/wet day.

MeMe and Pop taking Sweet P to the park

We took Pop on a picnic.
Sweet P brought Bob-Bob & Boo

Sweet P is an amazing 20 month old 21 month old (yes I did just realize he aged a bit more). And I'm not just saying that because I'm his momma- ok, I might be...

At 14 months, P was sitting on my lap facing me (giving kisses of course).  He looked at my Boston Red Sox lettering, pointed to one of the letters and said "X".  WHAT?!  I could not believe it!!!  He proceeded to tell me the letters S, N, B, T and E.  WHAT?! WHAT?!

WHAT?!?!?!

Exactly!   I didn't expect THAT!

Shortly after, he was telling me numbers, colors, shapes.   Today, he can read many words, and some words that we spell out loud, he can tell us what they are (zoo, some, like, with, Traci...just to name a few).  He loves to read.  He will pick up a book and read all the words out of it he can and have me help him with the others by saying "momma, help read it."

This is not something we forced onto him, 

it just happened to be where his interests have laid.   

The Hubs and I are firm believers in feeding the interests of children, 

and if there is what appears to be a true talent, 

encouraging that in a fun and supportive way.  

So, while some may feel we must be overworking him, 

or that we must be forcing him to 

meet some expectation, or the ever popular 

"What happened to letting a kid be a kid",

I will assure you, 

he's leading this advanced learning, and as his parents, 

we are encouraging and supporting his interests.

(Perhaps I will write a blog on this at some point).

Sweet P will not go to his crib without Bob-Bob, Boo and a good book
He regularly falls asleep either under or over a book.

P woke and the first thing he asked for was his letters - this is a normal occurrence. 

For some reason, he LOVES to read through my bible.  I do not object!

P loves to paint, be outside, climb hills, go down slides, ride in his Chariot behind my 'bicycle' (as he says) - or skis when it snows, play with cars, run, play in puddles, spend time with his MeMe and Pop, carry his "fwiends" everywhere with him (two brown stuffed bears that he named Bob-Bob & Boo), and so much more.  He says phrases like "I did it", "Ta-da, Touchdown", "See ya",  "I like it"... I love this boy!  I could go on and on for hours.....but I will refrain.

First bike ride of the season!
Sweet P loved going over the bumps, under tunnels and over bridges.

We ride 6 miles to Sweet P's favorite park to play before riding back home.

This lil boy LOVES to paint!  

Playing with his cars.  Someone taught him "crash".

This summer is full of excitement for us.  Our summer actually started early up here in Alaska, I was able to get my garden planted and already have sprouts coming up.  My flowers are in bloom and the strawberry are fruiting.   We have a family trip coming up then my mom & step-dad will be visiting.  I am feeling less overwhelmed with life now, as I feel Sweet P and I have FINALLY settled into a routine (so much change the first 20 months - it seems as soon as you get a routine, they change and therefore your routine does), so I plan to 'be around' the blog a lot more ;)

Sweet P is potty training Bob-Bob

Selfie at the Alaska Botanical Gardens
the sun was so glorious when we took a minute to sit and have lunch.

Nothing will rain on his parade!  

At the Loussac Library, immediately drawn to the shapes.

Rainy day painting fun!

Of course, we have plenty of melt downs also!
 (yes, I am laughing while I'm holding him here)

Come In

"Do not forget to entertain strangers, for by so doing some have unwittingly 

entertained angels." 

~ Hebrews 13:2

Before I had Phalen, I thoroughly enjoyed meeting friends and getting to know people over coffee or dinner.  We would go to fave restaurants and could sit for hours talking, laughing, crying, praying, etc.   Now, that's not quite as easy to do.  For one, Phalen has a schedule that we learned early on we must adhere to.  And for another, it's just not something I can afford now that we are down to one income; which we in NO WAY regret that decision :)

Going for a walk on the Coastal Trail to Snow City Cafe for some Hot Tea

I do like to have people over from time to time, but even that can be somewhat overwhelming.  So, I'm going to start a little series called "Come In".  I can indulge in some random small talk, albeit one sided, in no particular order or theme- I will share with you what I would probably say should you have the opportunity to stop by.  And maybe you can comment or email to share with me what's been going on, and/or should we talk/email/chat you'll have been 'caught up' (provided I keep up with my blog better than I have been).

So please, won't you Come In.  

Please ignore any mess, I've been behind on house work since Aug 28th, 2012 

(yup, when my lil Sweet P arrived)

I will offer you water or tea. I can make some coffee, if you'd like, it will be from a french press as I put away the brew pot and no longer drink it.  I will be gagging down some "mother's milk" tea in hopes to keep my supply for Sweet P.   I recently tried my skill at homemade bread, would you like a piece with jam or honey?  I prefer raspberry jam, but only have strawberry right now.  I will confess my bread making is a way, I found, that I can save us money on our monthly budget.  And then I will chuckle to myself remembering a conversation I had with a person who told me they are allergic to the word "budget".

I will share how proud I am of my husband- working on his Masters, working full time, and working at being the best daddy ever.  I beam knowing that by his actions, Phalen will see the example of a great man.  That by his words, Phalen will hear what a great man says.  That by his life, Phalen will know what a Godly man looks like.  And I pray that Phalen will be a great and Godly man too.

I will tell you how I taught Phalen to blow through his nose into a tissue by scrunching my nose and breathing heavy so that he would mimic me.  He's teething again and caught a cold, so his little noni is running and sore.   He's getting a third tooth, he's only 6 1/2 months.  I am feeling very sad that he is growing so quickly-

I will share my insight to the fact that I am going to be a stalker mom: I look at his pictures every night (when he goes to bed) from day one on my cell phone and instantly miss him and want him to wake up so I don't have to miss one minute of his life.  I want to hug him always.  Please know, I do look forward to him growing up and seeing the person he will become and watch how God will use him in the lives of others- I just repeatedly tell him (in a quasi creepy way) "I will be there with you"- then my husband reigns me back and says "no, we will let him go where he needs to."  Sigh, do all moms experience this, or am I alone here?

Phalen reading his favorite book "Little Blue Truck"

This morning, he clapped his hands for the first time, but the poor little guy started feeling bad again around 9:30am and stopped playing with me.

I will tell you that starting the first week of April, I will be leading a bible study at my church and then I will share that I am terrified!!  I do not know the first thing about this, but I have felt God calling me to this for some time.  Please pray for me. Pray for peace, comfort and trust in the Lord.  I know He has a plan, and He knows what He is doing- I am just a vessel and pray for His will and my willingness.

I will ask if you have signed up for Bunco Night that the TEARS Foundation is hosting on Saturday night.  If you haven't, I might ask what you are doing instead.  I might go silent for a bit, I am saddened that we need a foundation such as this, sad every time I have to share my story, and sad that people shy away from this.  I will then tell you that my stroller strides group decided to make the Bunco Night their "mom's night out" get together, and how happy and humbled I am by that.  I will also invite you to sign up for the first annual Color Run in Alaska under team TEARS Alaska, and I would ask if you would email the Color Run and nominate TEARS Alaska Chapter to be the recipient of the charitable donation.

Since we're on the topic of runs, I would ask if you'll do the March of Dimes - Walk for Babies with me for Team William Ryan.  This year, William's little brother will be doing it with me.  Then I will go quiet for a minute as I ponder what Phalen will think in life growing up knowing he has an older brother he'll meet in Heaven.  How will I explain it and how long until he understands?  Will Phalen pick up 'doing' in memory of William when he is older, or will it be something that he only does with me?

Getting ready for his first food! (Avocado)

I will tell you that Phalen has started eating real food!  Only at dinner time; I make it for him.  His favorite, so far, is Acorn Squash.  He really doesn't like Green Beans.  Avocado was good.  I will tell you that we had a little dinner party just for his first eat- Is that a little overboard?  Well, it will calm you to know it was just his MeMe and PaPa. :)  I would confess that we did plan it for almost two weeks and had a very nice meal- we even broke out the cloth napkins!  And then I would laugh, both at the truth and my realized absurdity that I may be one of those moms that does a little too much.  I will probably then go quiet, thinking "it's ok if I do a little too much, there's never going to be a time that I will look back wishing I hadn't made a big deal out of little milestones" and I will contentedly smile.

I will share that this morning, as I was rocking Phalen awake in his room, I saw dirt along my fence line- the snow is melting!  I share that I wish I had planted some tulips or daffodils last fall so that I could watch them grow and bud in that dirt along the fence line.  I will tell you that I am ready for spring and the growing season.  I want to smell dirt and see greens and yellows and oranges and pinks and all other colors that the season will bring.

I will confess that I would like prayer for sleep and my anxiousness.  I don't sleep well even if Sweet P does because I am anxious wondering why he hasn't woken yet.  I will ask what I can pray over you for....... we may even pray for each other then.

Before you go, I will share a sweet little song that speaks to this transition of seasons

Thank you for stopping by.  I am grateful for the conversation.

The idea for this post came from the beautiful Casey, of the The Weigands