do you have a friend that you can be so honest with? i am so grateful for this friend that i have. the type that i can openly share how i am feeling - what i am experiencing - all my ugly - all my hurt. she's a very special person that God graciously brought into my life at the perfect moment.
i typed up that email
i read and reread what i wrote
i quasi prayed......
....then i deleted it....
do you ever ask yourself questions as if you are in an interview? i do. and then i try to answer them. this morning, i woke up and proceeded to do just this.
q: "why are you here in this state?"
a: "my belief as to why is this:
- i'm not feeling fed at church
- i no longer attend studies (not because i don't want to, life took hold and the studies offered just
don't fit the schedule God has me in right now)
- it's hard to get fully immersed in the Word when being interrupted by a toddler (whom i am so so
so so very grateful for and please don't read that as a complaint)
- when i have free time at night, i just want to veg out
- even when i try to get up before sweet p, he seems to hear me and wake up."
q: so, if your friend is how you said, why did you delete the email?
a: i guess i was only ready to partially admit what i was feeling.
in hindsight, i'm glad i didn't send it. i was willing to take it to her before i took it to God. yes, He
knows how i'm feeling, but i'm hindering my relationship even further by not going to Him first.
q: "how long have you been feeling this way?"
a: ......................................<insert long paused thought silence>.....................................
"...i don't know... it's a slow fade...
until one day, you feel empty and you can't figure out how to fill back up."
this morning, i woke before sweet p - i got every ready to go
...then p woke...
right on cue...
it would be another interrupted morning of trying to be in the Word. <sigh>
here's the other thing, i also wrote (&deleted) in that email to my friend
that i just wanted a solitude weekend to fast and pray and just
be still before the Lord....
i can't just do that.
(again, i'm so very grateful for the reason that i can't just do that)
q: do you read a chapter in joshua (the book i've been going through), or do you even bother this morning? does it really matter? (see, it's a s l o w f a d e)
a: ......................................<insert long paused thought silence>.....................................
"yes. it does matter."
i picked up my bible and read joshua 12. something written there made me read the study notes (i have the nelson study bible) led me to romans - that led me to exodus - OH MY GOODNESS, i was reading more than just a chapter!
in flipping through, i found a sheet of paper from my previous study group (which was a meditative type study). i decided to 'ignore' (gasp - how dare i) sweet p and try to do this meditative study. (over psalm 143:7-12)
the Lord was so gracious, hearing the please of His daughter (that's me), the night before, being poured out into a ghost email. sweet p sat playing (as quietly as a toddler can) at my feet as i lectio'd my way through. He taught me so much in that 30 min He gave me. what He taught me most, i am my own enemy and foe. when i choose not to be in His Word, not to meditate and seek Him, i am preventing myself from being fed.
today, i am filled!
thank you, Jesus!
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