Our "Little" Blessing - part One

I wanted to take some time to share the magnitude of our current "little" blessing.  Little being such a relative word, as this gift is a HUGE blessing.  Day by day.

As I share, please keep in mind, this is what I personally battled.  My husband, I'm sure has had his own battles, but this is to share mine. (since it's quite a long story, I will share thus far in two parts - today is part one)

For years, I prayed and lamented over having a child.  Some months, the heartache would be great as I would just "know" I was pregnant, but the test would say negative, and sure enough, life would go on, sans baby.   I would have many ask us when we were going to "try" or when we were going to start a family.

This question irks me!!

WE ARE A FAMILY.  

Our family started when we said "I Do".

I would try to be gracious and merciful in my replies (just as Jesus is with me) and understand that others don't always know of our past.  Not all who ask us know that we have a son, William Ryan, who was born sleeping in 2005.  Not all who want us to experience the joy of parenthood, know the pain and heartache of losing a child.  Sometimes, I would let them know that we are a family and we have a son who has gone on before. Sometimes I wouldn't share anything about my son. But ALWAYS I would let them know that 

if a child is God's plan for our little family, then He will make it happen in His time. 

There were times people felt we just didn't want children, since we hadn't had any yet.  Which invokes comments of 'selfish' or 'can't deal with the change'.  Strange that people would think such things if we have never spoken such things.  

I often had people ask me if we'd tried fertility treatments, or seen a fertility specialist to talk about options.  I would try not to be offended as I felt and thought "there is nothing wrong with me".  I would pray that I would hold fast to the Truth that I know.  

I started to have doubts, that maybe I do need to see a fertility doctor.  That maybe that is what God is trying to tell me.  And after agonizing months of living with my thoughts, I talked to my husband about it.  Well, shortly after, 

I had an early term miscarriage.  I did not even know I was pregnant!!!  

But I saw it as a blessing.

I felt God telling me

"It's not you, daughter, just trust Me."

I thought that if I ever did become pregnant, and I knew about it, I would be scared and anxious the entire pregnancy.  I knew, in the back of my mind, that I would be a Nervous Nelly, biting my nails, panicking over every weird feeling, not wanting to share the blessing; which would, in the end, rob us of all joy.

In November 2011, I felt myself really release my desires of a child to God.   I remember sitting with my cup of coffee, meditating on His goodness and feeling an overwhelming peace as I spoke aloud:

"You are enough, Jesus."

And, for the first time since becoming a Christian, I truly believed that!