Not A Sparrow Falls - the Story of my Profession of Faith

"Are not two sparrows sold for a copper coin? 

And not one of them falls to the ground without apart from your Father's will.

Do not fear therefore;

You are of more value than many Sparrows."

- Matthew 10:29 & 31 (NKJV)

Over the past few weeks, I've had the opportunity to hear stories of how God has been using my testimony.  It wasn't until about a year and a half ago that I really started to share my story.  I was 'ashamed' for so many reasons.  I felt guilt, worthlessness, sadness, anger, and a whole myriad of other emotions.  So, to 7+ years later hear that God has been using it, well, that's just a humbling, amazing, face to the ground blessing.  

I've made mention on this blog to my son William, but have not shared my testimony of my profession of faith in Jesus Christ.  William is part of that testimony.  I feel God calling me to share my story more and more these days, and as hesitant as I can be with that, I am going to be obedient.  I am going to start by sharing it here.  I warn you, it is long!

I received this image from a friend.
I am not sure where they received it,
but I love the image 

In 2005, my husband and I were expecting our first baby.  We went in to the 20 week checkup to find out the gender and found out there was something wrong with our baby boy that was suspected to be Trisomy 18, or Edward's Syndrome.  We went to several different doctors, including specialists, and had an amniocentesis to confirm.  We knew we wouldn't bring our baby boy home with us and we started changing our thought process from prepping for a baby to prepping for grief.

At 23 weeks into my pregnancy, I delivered William Ryan.  

His heart stopped beating on October 6th, 2005.  

I was induced at 6am on October 10th, 2005.  Four days later was the soonest they could schedule an induction.  I was in labor for a little over 26 hours.

 October 11th, 2005,  I delivered my son. 

I was not a Christian then.  It would be another 4 and 1/2 months before I turned to Jesus and accepted Him into my life.   

I knew there was no making sense of what we went through, that's just life.

I spent the next 4 1/2 months in a life of fear and depression.  

I stopped doing my hobbies because all I saw in doing them was death.  

I had started knitting earlier that year, but stopped because I literally envisioned an earthquake happening and the needles piercing through my eye or chest during a jolt.

  

I was afraid to drive my car because I envisioned fatal car accidents. 

I was afraid to go to work in fear that the brick building would collapse and be fatal. 

I was afraid to sit in my house because someone might break in.  

My life was so riddled with fears, I had to force myself to go to work because I knew that I still needed my job and an income.  

Aside from my fears, I felt like a failure.  

I felt the person I had failed the most was my husband. 

I would say to myself "why would he want to be married to me?  I can't even give him a healthy child." This would be repeated in my head over and over for months.  

I started acting upon that thought and became not nice to him... literally saying to myself 

"well, if I can get him to leave me, then he can find someone else that can give him a child and it will be my fault, not his."  

Thankfully, my husband is AMAZING! 

I will never forget the day I was walking up the stairs and I said something very snide to him.  He looked at me and said 

"I lost him too, Secora.  I'm hurting too.  

Being mean isn't going to fix it or change it.  

We need to work through this together."  

WHOA, was that a wake up call!!  He just has a way of knowing what is going through my head/heart and not letting me wallow in it for too long.

During this time, I constantly felt chaos pouring through my head.

I would listen to music to try and drown out the chaos (music has always been my outlet, my comfort).  My music became just more chaos so I started flipping through the radio stations.  I finally found a radio station that didn't seem to add to the noise in my head, 

but rather calm it...it was so nice...

then I would hear the words

 prayer, God, Jesus, Christian

Well THAT is NOT what I needed. Or so I thought!

Over the next few weeks, I started finding this scenario repeat more and more frequently.  I got to the point where I started leaving the station on (which I discovered was K-LOVE)  because it just really felt good to have my mind calmed for a moment, however brief that moment may be.  

One day in January, I came home and told my husband I wanted to start going to church.  Neither one of us knew where to go, but I wanted to go.  I looked up some churches in the directory and we started going to a couple - the benefit of being in a city, there are services multiple times a week/day.  One of the churches we were attending had a group study called Alpha; we started attending that on Thursday nights.

On February 23, 2006, Justin and I were driving home from our third session of Alpha.  It was dark outside, and there was a freezing rain, but no snow around - it had all melted.  We stopped at a stoplight and I started crying.  Justin looked over at me and asked what was wrong, I burst out 

"I'm going to hell." 

He asked me what I wanted to do about it and I replied that I didn't know, but I didn't want to go to hell.  We drove the rest of the way home (which seemed almost an eternity) in silence.  Maybe he talked, maybe I talked, but I don't remember that.  What I do remember is that the entire ride home, 

I contemplated whether I should give my life to Jesus or not.  

I sat and thought of all the things I would have to change in my life.  I thought about the friendships this would affect, if I did choose Jesus.  I tried to rationalize if I could just "be a good person"...  

Truth is, I was a horrible person.  I had so many things I had written up as "I don't regret because it's those things that have made me who I am today and I am a strong person because of them." 

WHAT A LIE we tell ourselves!!   

It was those things that kept me steeped in darkness and death!

It was those things that made me weak. 

and fearful.  

and untrusting.

We finally arrived home, we didn't say much to each other for a bit.  We both got ready for bed.  As I was sitting on the bed, my husband came in with a Bible.  He read a few scriptures out of it (I don't even remember which ones they were), then asked me if I wanted to pray.  I said Yes.  

And then I said "YES" to Jesus.

After turning my life over to Christ, my grief, my depression, my fears became easier to deal with.  It was still there, but He comforted me and gave me a peace that surpasses all understanding.  It was then that I started to realize 

my son's life, however brief, made a huge impact. 

I began to realize that every moment since knowing I was pregnant with him and since, has been a gift.   He saved my life both spiritually and physically. Not only did I come to know Jesus, but we also discovered I had medical needs that we were not aware of prior to.  

I am so grateful for the sacrifice Jesus made for us.  My life has been filled with amazing adventures and wonderful people that God has given me.   

Today, I still have fears...they are not the same as they were then, but they are fears.  I don't battle with depression - yes, I still have moments where I get depressed and I feel helpless, but it is not the same as it was then- I know I have Hope.  I still grieve not being able to hold and kiss my son, William, but I rejoice in that he doesn't have to experience a life and a world without Jesus. 

I will tell Phalen about his older brother.  After all, he will need to know who it is he will meet one day.   I look forward to the day I get to see my son, and I know I will because 

 I said "YES" to Jesus.