Not A Sparrow Falls - the Story of my Profession of Faith

"Are not two sparrows sold for a copper coin? 

And not one of them falls to the ground without apart from your Father's will.

Do not fear therefore;

You are of more value than many Sparrows."

- Matthew 10:29 & 31 (NKJV)

Over the past few weeks, I've had the opportunity to hear stories of how God has been using my testimony.  It wasn't until about a year and a half ago that I really started to share my story.  I was 'ashamed' for so many reasons.  I felt guilt, worthlessness, sadness, anger, and a whole myriad of other emotions.  So, to 7+ years later hear that God has been using it, well, that's just a humbling, amazing, face to the ground blessing.  

I've made mention on this blog to my son William, but have not shared my testimony of my profession of faith in Jesus Christ.  William is part of that testimony.  I feel God calling me to share my story more and more these days, and as hesitant as I can be with that, I am going to be obedient.  I am going to start by sharing it here.  I warn you, it is long!

I received this image from a friend.
I am not sure where they received it,
but I love the image 

In 2005, my husband and I were expecting our first baby.  We went in to the 20 week checkup to find out the gender and found out there was something wrong with our baby boy that was suspected to be Trisomy 18, or Edward's Syndrome.  We went to several different doctors, including specialists, and had an amniocentesis to confirm.  We knew we wouldn't bring our baby boy home with us and we started changing our thought process from prepping for a baby to prepping for grief.

At 23 weeks into my pregnancy, I delivered William Ryan.  

His heart stopped beating on October 6th, 2005.  

I was induced at 6am on October 10th, 2005.  Four days later was the soonest they could schedule an induction.  I was in labor for a little over 26 hours.

 October 11th, 2005,  I delivered my son. 

I was not a Christian then.  It would be another 4 and 1/2 months before I turned to Jesus and accepted Him into my life.   

I knew there was no making sense of what we went through, that's just life.

I spent the next 4 1/2 months in a life of fear and depression.  

I stopped doing my hobbies because all I saw in doing them was death.  

I had started knitting earlier that year, but stopped because I literally envisioned an earthquake happening and the needles piercing through my eye or chest during a jolt.

  

I was afraid to drive my car because I envisioned fatal car accidents. 

I was afraid to go to work in fear that the brick building would collapse and be fatal. 

I was afraid to sit in my house because someone might break in.  

My life was so riddled with fears, I had to force myself to go to work because I knew that I still needed my job and an income.  

Aside from my fears, I felt like a failure.  

I felt the person I had failed the most was my husband. 

I would say to myself "why would he want to be married to me?  I can't even give him a healthy child." This would be repeated in my head over and over for months.  

I started acting upon that thought and became not nice to him... literally saying to myself 

"well, if I can get him to leave me, then he can find someone else that can give him a child and it will be my fault, not his."  

Thankfully, my husband is AMAZING! 

I will never forget the day I was walking up the stairs and I said something very snide to him.  He looked at me and said 

"I lost him too, Secora.  I'm hurting too.  

Being mean isn't going to fix it or change it.  

We need to work through this together."  

WHOA, was that a wake up call!!  He just has a way of knowing what is going through my head/heart and not letting me wallow in it for too long.

During this time, I constantly felt chaos pouring through my head.

I would listen to music to try and drown out the chaos (music has always been my outlet, my comfort).  My music became just more chaos so I started flipping through the radio stations.  I finally found a radio station that didn't seem to add to the noise in my head, 

but rather calm it...it was so nice...

then I would hear the words

 prayer, God, Jesus, Christian

Well THAT is NOT what I needed. Or so I thought!

Over the next few weeks, I started finding this scenario repeat more and more frequently.  I got to the point where I started leaving the station on (which I discovered was K-LOVE)  because it just really felt good to have my mind calmed for a moment, however brief that moment may be.  

One day in January, I came home and told my husband I wanted to start going to church.  Neither one of us knew where to go, but I wanted to go.  I looked up some churches in the directory and we started going to a couple - the benefit of being in a city, there are services multiple times a week/day.  One of the churches we were attending had a group study called Alpha; we started attending that on Thursday nights.

On February 23, 2006, Justin and I were driving home from our third session of Alpha.  It was dark outside, and there was a freezing rain, but no snow around - it had all melted.  We stopped at a stoplight and I started crying.  Justin looked over at me and asked what was wrong, I burst out 

"I'm going to hell." 

He asked me what I wanted to do about it and I replied that I didn't know, but I didn't want to go to hell.  We drove the rest of the way home (which seemed almost an eternity) in silence.  Maybe he talked, maybe I talked, but I don't remember that.  What I do remember is that the entire ride home, 

I contemplated whether I should give my life to Jesus or not.  

I sat and thought of all the things I would have to change in my life.  I thought about the friendships this would affect, if I did choose Jesus.  I tried to rationalize if I could just "be a good person"...  

Truth is, I was a horrible person.  I had so many things I had written up as "I don't regret because it's those things that have made me who I am today and I am a strong person because of them." 

WHAT A LIE we tell ourselves!!   

It was those things that kept me steeped in darkness and death!

It was those things that made me weak. 

and fearful.  

and untrusting.

We finally arrived home, we didn't say much to each other for a bit.  We both got ready for bed.  As I was sitting on the bed, my husband came in with a Bible.  He read a few scriptures out of it (I don't even remember which ones they were), then asked me if I wanted to pray.  I said Yes.  

And then I said "YES" to Jesus.

After turning my life over to Christ, my grief, my depression, my fears became easier to deal with.  It was still there, but He comforted me and gave me a peace that surpasses all understanding.  It was then that I started to realize 

my son's life, however brief, made a huge impact. 

I began to realize that every moment since knowing I was pregnant with him and since, has been a gift.   He saved my life both spiritually and physically. Not only did I come to know Jesus, but we also discovered I had medical needs that we were not aware of prior to.  

I am so grateful for the sacrifice Jesus made for us.  My life has been filled with amazing adventures and wonderful people that God has given me.   

Today, I still have fears...they are not the same as they were then, but they are fears.  I don't battle with depression - yes, I still have moments where I get depressed and I feel helpless, but it is not the same as it was then- I know I have Hope.  I still grieve not being able to hold and kiss my son, William, but I rejoice in that he doesn't have to experience a life and a world without Jesus. 

I will tell Phalen about his older brother.  After all, he will need to know who it is he will meet one day.   I look forward to the day I get to see my son, and I know I will because 

 I said "YES" to Jesus.

New Year Beginning

This new year is a special one for us. 

We are beginning it with a third member for our first time.  

Last year on New Year's Eve, the hubs and I debated whether I should take a pregnancy test.  He won the debate and we have been overjoyed, blessed and sometimes scared everyday since then.  It has been a roller coaster ride (please see previous posts), but one I would do again!

For Christmas, we bought Sweet P a little devotional that is a child's adaptation of "My Utmost For His Highest" by Oswald Chambers.  The child's version is called "Jesus Wants All Of Me" and goes day by day with the same scripture and similar lesson as the adult's version.  This morning, Sweet P and I sat down and started our devotionals for this year with a nice cup of tea! (I gave up coffee when I gave up cream - I put Almond Milk in my tea and it is yummy)

With the Hubs home to watch Sweet P, I was able to start a new knitting project today.

We also enjoyed one of our new traditions.  Let's see if you can guess

It involves these ingredients and a hot fire

Yup - You guessed it!  S'mores!!!  We roast the marshmallows in our fireplace and enjoy some in-house s'mores :)

It appeared as though our Lil Sweet P wanted some too.  

We do have some exciting things coming up this year, but we are not sharing *yet* (NO, we are not having another baby).   

We haven't made any new years resolutions.... We had so much on our plate in 2012 that we had to accomplish, I think we both need to just take every day as it comes.  And learning to be parents is a pretty big task in it's own.

What about you?  Any New Years Day fun? Do you have any resolutions?

Sweet P's 1st Christmas Highlights

Just a few photos from my lil Sweet P's first Christmas.

Our Lil Man LOVED the contrast of the colors.

Our lil reindeer greeting the morning

Having a Ball
We got Lil P this ball and he LOVES it!

Phalen's New Ride - an old school Walker!

He loves to stand and try to take steps, so we thought this would be better than a bouncer. 

Phalen got Daddy a pair of socks and a new tie! :)
(I figured he should get started right away with these stereotypical gifts!)

We also gave Phalen the book "The Story of Christmas" and "A Charlie Brown Christmas" movie.  We read him the book as soon as we were done opening gifts.  It tells the story of Jesus' birth and ends with "Happy Birthday Jesus".

After dinner (which was BBQ steak and shrimp - steak for the Hubs), we settled in to watch "A Charlie Brown Christmas".  (does anybody remember the name of the little red-haired girl in the yellow checked dress? we can't remember and couldn't find it online when we looked it up).  It was such a great way to end a beautiful day!

How was your day spent?

You're Invited!

Image Credit

Getting ready for church tonight, I greatly lacked a desire to go.  I know this sounds terrible, but I REALLY wanted to skip and have a relaxing Christmas Eve dinner at my in-law's then head home for a quiet night and to bed on time.

I am constantly praying that God will change my attitude real quick when I have negative thoughts.  Well, He certainly did that tonight!  Shortly after feeling a desire to skip, the thought occurred me

This isn't just another church service

This is a celebration of Jesus' Birth

This is Jesus' Birthday Celebration!

Jesus is my King!

Do you know what that means?!  

I was invited to attend the Birthday of a KING!

How could I not want to go?!  How could I not want to get dressed up?!  After all, I would be attending a King's birthday party!!!  

So quickly my attitude did change; I was actually excited to go.  And my selfish ideas were no longer what I had in mind; I couldn't wait to go to church!  I even wanted to bake a cake and write "Happy Birthday Jesus" on it (darn, I wish I'd had more time - perhaps a new tradition to start next year!)  

Needless to say, I made sure we left with plenty of time (accounting for possible traffic delays and/or snowfall); we arrived 45 minutes early, so we went for coffee/tea while we waited :)  HA- How is that for an attitude adjustment?! 

I am thankful for the Spirit's prick in my perspectives.  I pray that I will always be open to a change of perspective when I fail to see the magnitude of Who I turn to everyday, Who I serve, Who I seek, Who I long to spend time with: THE KING - Jesus Christ, my Savior.  

Here is your invitation to The King's birthday party!

From my family to yours-

Merry Christmas!

It's beginning to look a lot like...

...CHRISTMAS in my house.

I gotta confess, we always have intentions to get our Christmas decor up the weekend after Thanksgiving, and then we FAIL!   This year was no different. 

We finally got the tree up last weekend. 

I did a few more touches during the week between my little Sweet P's naps (which are two at 30 minutes each - he doesn't seem to like to sleep much). I eventually gave up and decided we would have it very simple this year.

And the best part of this, THREE stockings :)  All of us have the same style stockings (as do Hub's sisters, bro-in-law, and nephew).  A personalized stocking is the gift from my Ma-In-Law when you enter the family.

Our dining area is ready for guests.  Just in time too.  We hosted a dinner guest on the 20th.  And what better day; if the Mayans were right (bahahaha), best to spend the evening breaking bread in fellowship with a dear friend.

A new ornament for our tree:  A depiction of our biggest gift this year.

An ornament given to Phalen from MeMe (g-ma) on the day of his dedication: December 2nd, 2012
Also a wonderful reminder for everyday (I will probably hang this in his room after Christmas).

And some Christmas fun MeMe and I were having while decorating her house.

 All the presents are wrapped, stockings are stuffed, and we're ready (just in time).

Christmas Eve (tomorrow night), we will be going here (church), to enjoy what is sure to be another great sermon.   Afterwards, we will have a small dinner celebration and gift exchange with my In-Laws  (and I'm almost certain there will be a game of Farkle).  This has become our Christmas Eve tradition :) It feels great to have traditions, but even better that Sweet P has grandparents here to spend the holidays with.  

What do you do for Christmas Eve?

Roller Coasters 7 & 8: A Birth Story

Continued from the "Life Since Then" post,  are Roller Coasters 7 & 8.  This is our Birthing Story and the following week.

Roller Coaster 7
We left for the hospital very early in the morning (5:30 am) to be <heavy breath> induced.  Not at all apart of my <cough cough> birthing plan, but according to my doctor, necessary (as you read on Roller Coaster 6).   God blessed us by having a wonderful friend give us a surprise meeting at the hospital entrance to pray over our labor & delivery and for our precious little one.

Once I was connected and receiving Pitocin, we settled in for a long day.  (The nurse had a difficult time finding a vein for the IV, and after a 3rd attempt, brought in a different nurse - needless to say, I looked as though I was a 'user'.)

I had a very good friend, a Doula (in training) and my husband there to keep my company.  A few other friends stopped by and covered us in prayer.  Around noon, the contractions started getting stronger, but I had only dilated to 2.  I used the birthing ball, walked around, etc, trying to dilate more. Around 5:30pm, I finally dilated to 3.  I got excited that we were finally going to be 'moving along'.  But that did not happen.

Holding/Seeing my son for the first time.

I was checked multiple times throughout the night, but did not dilate past a 3.  Into the morning we went and still nothing past a 3.  I am one of those unfortunate people that Epidural does not seem to work on.  So, while I had the spinal and Epidural administered, it worked for only 20 minutes and not again.  My contractions were horrid, as the Pitocin was turned up in hopes that I would dilate more. My son's heartbeat kept dropping and that was scary enough.  Now my heartbeat was dropping.  The nurses administered Ephedrine to get my heart rate up and hoping to up my son's.  Then the oxygen mask came out.  I looked at my husband and he his eyes were starting to turn glossy.  My Doula was praying over me.  My husband was praying over me.  And then my fever spiked.

I am allergic to many many things.  We didn't know what antibiotic I could have, but they needed to give me something.   I remembered having Amoxicillin as a child and being ok, so the Dr decided to give me another form of cillin (that I cannot remember the name of).  Yay- no bad reaction.  (in the past, I had been given an antibiotic I had a bad reaction to and it was not a good experience).

Around 3:00 am, I was checked again.  My son was in the birth canal but I was still not dilated past 3. :(  His heartbeat continued to drop and I could see on the nurses face that she was very concerned.  I asked her to come over to me (had I been able to, I would have grabbed her shirt and pulled her to me to be almost touching noses) and I said

"it seems this situation is getting pretty severe.  I don't care what you have to do or how you have to do it, but GET MY SON OUT OF ME. The next words I want to hear 'Healthy Baby Boy'".  

The nurse replied, "I'm going to go call the Dr." 

My lil man.
Phalen James
7 lb 7 oz 20 in long

I poured my heart out to God.  Very loudly (to my own ears) I begged him to not take another baby from me, but to deliver this one healthy and happy.  

Within 30 minutes (and while I still prayed), the nurse rushed in with several other nurses following.  I knew the situation was going to get real intense.  And when I started to open my mouth, she said 

"We're prepping for cesarean"

At 4:28am, my son was born.  It was not "healthy baby boy" that was said.  His heart was not beating.  I remember I started to panic and the anesthesiologist started very firmly telling me to calm down.  I don't know how much time passed before they got his heart beating, but they had to take him to the NICU.  I did not get to see my son.  I sent Justin with them; I was so afraid of leaving our little one without one of us.

They wheeled me into the recovery room and about an hour later, they brought my little boy in.

Roller Coaster 8

We found out after delivery that during my labor with William, he passed an antibody to me that fights my husbands blood type.  Since all children we have will carry half of his blood, this will cause problems for all future children we have.  

Needless to say, in birth, I passed the antibody to Phalen in a form similar to a virus.  (We praise God everyday that it was passed in birth, if he had been created with the antibody as part of his make-up, he wouldn't be here with us.)  The day after labor/delivery, I was holding Phalen and noticed his coloring didn't look normal.  I mentioned it to the nurse who assured me he looks normal and it must be the lighting.

My precious babe under the "blue light"

Well, she must've just been wanting to keep us calm because shortly after, a nurse came in with the pediatrician and took him to the NICU to have his blood drawn.  The pediatrician came back, sat down and started to explain to us what happened, what could happen and what we were going to do about it now in hopes to rid our precious babe of this "virus" before it gets worse (and worse is brain damage and/or fatality).

Since we caught it early, we started attacking with the blue light for jaundice babies.  We weren't allowed to hold our new little one except to feed.  The problem is, he wouldn't feed because he was sick.

The doctor told us the fastest way to get this through his system is for him to poop.  He can only poop if he eats.  So, we would wake Phalen every hour and a half and feed him.  If we did not wake him to eat, he wouldn't wake up at all.  I pumped Colostrum and fed it to him through a syringe.  And since that was the only time we could hold him, I would undo the top of my gown, lay him on my chest and take a few extra minutes to get what I feel is much needed bonding time.

Bonding with my little gift

I don't think there has ever been a time, or will ever been a time, that either of us have been soo expectant and excited for poop.  But we, and the nurses as well, practically had a party every time he pooped!

We were completely beside ourselves.  We just kept praying.  I was recovering from a cesarean and couldn't do much.  Justin was wonderful during the entire time, changing his diapers, bringing him to me to feed, etc.  AND Justin had an interview for a promotion that was scheduled pre-labor.  So, he had to do the interview over the phone, in the hospital room with uncertainty looming over us (he got the position). 

Phalen holding Justin's finger.
This was the most we could do except
when we were feeding.  

It took three and a half days for the antibody to be depleted from his system.  He had to have his blood drawn every 8 hours.  His little wrists and heels had marks for a week after we returned home from the needles.

Today, Phalen is almost 4 months old.  He is Healthy Baby Boy who is now weighing in at 15 lbs, 8 oz.  We co-sleep with him;  I can't bear to leave him in his room, in the big crib, by himself yet.  I don't like to put him down, and I don't like to hear him cry.  Many don't agree with us on this, but many have not walked our path.   

Our little blessing has such personality.  He laughs, he screeches when he's excited, he is so strong willed and has no problem letting us know when he doesn't like something.  He loves when I sing to him (and is the only one who likes that).  And he loves music in general.  We have dance party together and I wake him up every morning with classical music playing over him.  He smiles at me when I say "Good Morning Baby" and he stares in awe at the colorful elephant mobile above his changing table (that friends brought him from a mission trip to Cambodia).  

Our little man is such a delight and we thank God for blessing us with such a BIG gift in that little package.

"[We] prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted [us] what [we] have asked of him."
1 Samuel 1:27

Life since then...

Well, it has been some time since my last post. Since then, we have been on a roller coaster ride so to speak.  Well maybe a few/several/many (eight) different rides; like when you go to six flags, they are all lined up and have their own loops and twirlies and ups and downs?!  Yes, that has been our life and home the past several months.

Starting in May, roller coaster one:
We had to build an extra room in our home for our pending Little Blessing's arrival.  We live in an association and are not permitted to change the outside structure of our home.  So, we had to find the space inside our home to build a room into........Master bedroom took the fall.

Our master was a bit oversized if the real intent of a bedroom is to sleep.  So, we moved everything from our bedroom into our living room and started the renovation. We had a mattress on the living room floor that we slept on.  Being 5 months pregnant and growing, it was challenging, but I knew in the end would be worth it!

              

Baby Room walls up, needing new carpet and paint 

Roller coaster number two:

The room was completed in July and in the meantime we decided to redo our floors.  We had a month and a half until our due date and felt the floors should be done prior to our little one's arrival.  We moved all of our belongings into the garage (super excited that everything we have fits into our garage!) and checked into a hotel for several days while our house received new carpet throughout the living space and bedrooms, the dining area received an engineered wood.   Previously, we had a cream colored carpet throughout, including the dining area, and we chose a multi-colored carpet that is made of corn fibers so the VOC is as low as wool (without the price tag!).

Dining Room and Living Room before new flooring

                                         Dining and Living Rooms after new flooring

Roller coaster number three:
Moving back into our home five weeks before our due date, we decided to tackle the redo of our bathroom.   This included new paint, new flooring (from vinyl to a granite composite tile), and change the vanity.  In order to save money, we decided to sand and stain the vanity from a light oak to a nice black.  We bought the rustoleum counter top transformation kit for a white counter top........well, that didn't turn out so well (user errors, I'm sure).  In light of time (a week and a half from due date), we decided to purchase a new counter top.  This proved to be a much better option in the end.  This project was completed days before we delivered our little one (and I am still decorating it).

No pictures for this yet as we are still decorating it.

Roller coaster number four:
We were fortunate enough to have many friends give, or lend, us the items necessary to care for our pending arrival.  We also hit a lot of yard sales over the summer to find necessary items and clothing.  This was such a blessing and helped us out tremendously!!!  Due to receiving an amazing hodgepodge of items, we decided to paint all furniture items white in order to match.  While my husband was hard at work doing that, I "mod podged" paper onto shelving and the back of a bookcase to better fit the colors I wanted to showcase in the baby room.  (we are still working on painting the bookcase)  We had the crib, rocking chair, and changing table ready for the baby's arrival.

I will post more pictures, once we have the bookcase done, of the entire room.  In the meantime, the below picture is the changing table (a quasi picture of it before is in the top photo of the bedroom).  

We also painted the diaper pail (beside on left) orange. 

Orange is my primary accent color for the room.

Roller coaster number five:
I quit my job!  Yup, to be a stay at home mommy.  After 10 years working with this company, we decided it was best for our family if I "stayed home".  It was an interesting day.  My last day was the day after my birthday.  I took my birthday off (had it scheduled in January, before I knew what day I'd be quitting) and when I came to work on my last day, my desk was decorated in a "Happy Birthday/Congratulations for Baby/Happy Retirement" theme.  It was sweet!  (and since then, my husband has received a new position in the company - so two major "job" changes for us in a month and a half!)

And because I love Rainbows....

Roller coaster number six:
The last several Dr appts I had, they were having a difficult time finding the baby's heartbeat.  In the sonograms the baby was always sleeping and the Dr would jolt my stomach to have him move or have me get up or roll around.  This would also cause the heartbeat to go up.  My last appt before the due date, the Dr had an extra hard time finding the heartbeat, even rolling around and poking didn't deliver a strong heartbeat.  The Dr measured the fluid in the placenta and determined that it was too low and said we would need to induce.

This was crushing to me.  I so desperately wanted to 'go into labor'.  I wanted to be sitting somewhere and randomly have contractions start, or my water break.  After our experience with William, I really wanted to have a normal delivery and at the end hear "healthy baby boy".

My husband, on the other hand, who is a planner, was ecstatic to have a schedule!

The night before we induced.  

Roller Coasters number seven and eight are the delivery story and directly afterwards...they are their own long stories so I will share them on a future post.  I'm sure this one has been long enough!

I will not keep you guessing though....Our baby boy was born, and is HEALTHY!!!

And through all of these Roller Coaster Rides, Jesus has been holding my hand and keeping me pretty even keeled and leaning on Him... even being 5+ months pregnant and riding rides that are ranging from the kiddie coaster to the topsy turvy!  Praise Jesus!