Our "Little" Blessing - part One

I wanted to take some time to share the magnitude of our current "little" blessing.  Little being such a relative word, as this gift is a HUGE blessing.  Day by day.

As I share, please keep in mind, this is what I personally battled.  My husband, I'm sure has had his own battles, but this is to share mine. (since it's quite a long story, I will share thus far in two parts - today is part one)

For years, I prayed and lamented over having a child.  Some months, the heartache would be great as I would just "know" I was pregnant, but the test would say negative, and sure enough, life would go on, sans baby.   I would have many ask us when we were going to "try" or when we were going to start a family.

This question irks me!!

WE ARE A FAMILY.  

Our family started when we said "I Do".

I would try to be gracious and merciful in my replies (just as Jesus is with me) and understand that others don't always know of our past.  Not all who ask us know that we have a son, William Ryan, who was born sleeping in 2005.  Not all who want us to experience the joy of parenthood, know the pain and heartache of losing a child.  Sometimes, I would let them know that we are a family and we have a son who has gone on before. Sometimes I wouldn't share anything about my son. But ALWAYS I would let them know that 

if a child is God's plan for our little family, then He will make it happen in His time. 

There were times people felt we just didn't want children, since we hadn't had any yet.  Which invokes comments of 'selfish' or 'can't deal with the change'.  Strange that people would think such things if we have never spoken such things.  

I often had people ask me if we'd tried fertility treatments, or seen a fertility specialist to talk about options.  I would try not to be offended as I felt and thought "there is nothing wrong with me".  I would pray that I would hold fast to the Truth that I know.  

I started to have doubts, that maybe I do need to see a fertility doctor.  That maybe that is what God is trying to tell me.  And after agonizing months of living with my thoughts, I talked to my husband about it.  Well, shortly after, 

I had an early term miscarriage.  I did not even know I was pregnant!!!  

But I saw it as a blessing.

I felt God telling me

"It's not you, daughter, just trust Me."

I thought that if I ever did become pregnant, and I knew about it, I would be scared and anxious the entire pregnancy.  I knew, in the back of my mind, that I would be a Nervous Nelly, biting my nails, panicking over every weird feeling, not wanting to share the blessing; which would, in the end, rob us of all joy.

In November 2011, I felt myself really release my desires of a child to God.   I remember sitting with my cup of coffee, meditating on His goodness and feeling an overwhelming peace as I spoke aloud:

"You are enough, Jesus."

And, for the first time since becoming a Christian, I truly believed that!

Ch-ch-changes - WOW

+ You're Pregnant

It's true!  We are expecting!  

We are 14 weeks along; which is also the excuse I am using for not posting in so long.  On top of being just so danged fatigued, I've also been unable to talk about much else. And you know when you know you're not supposed to talk about something you find it hard to avoid it, so instead, you work really really hard to avoid situations that would cause you to share.....well, that's my second excuse :)

 Jan 31, 2012: 9 weeks

We are considered a bit high risk, due to our history, but we've been overall doing very well and praising God the entire way.  The baby is growing well, and so am I ;-)

8 weeks

10 weeks

12 weeks (slightly blurry)

14 weeks  

(new cell phone, don't like the camera)

I think I've lost a bit of belly in the past two weeks!! Or perhaps, the baby is just more at my back here?! hmmm.


In any case, I'll try to get the Hubs to take photos so the future ones are better :)

Stewardship

2011 is on it's way out!    God taught me a lot, challenged me a lot, restored much and set a thought on my heart that He is working in me.

Be a good Steward of that which you have been given

God loves to delight in His children.  He gives us much.  His gifts are innumerable, and with those gifts, (whether physical, spiritual, emotional, etc) He asks us to be a good steward of them.  

"As each one has received a gift, minister it to one another, 

as good stewards of the manifold grace of God."

~ 1 Peter 4:10 

"And the Lord said, "Who then is that faithful and wise steward, whose master will make ruler over his household, to give them their portion of food in due season?"

~ Luke 12:42

All that we have, He has given.  All He has given, He entrusts to us to manage it well.  And since we belong to Him, all that I have, that He gave me, belongs to Him.   What belongs to Him, He will ask an account of.

"So He called him and said to him, 'What is this I hear about you?  

Give an account of your stewardship....'"

~ Luke 16:2a

Reading this verse, I must ask myself:

"Secora, what are doing with that which God has given you?!  

What are you going to do about that?"

So 2012, I will be meditating on Stewardship. I will meditate and pray on how I(we) can be, or rather how God would like me(us) to be, a good steward of what He has given me(us).  I pray that God will chisel me and build in me His will for what He has given us.

Reflecting on some gifts I have received:

~ The Mister - my Hubby

~ Our friends and family (and our 'church' family)

~ My Lil' Miss Marianne

~ Our country and the freedom to openly worship Jesus

~ Our home

~ Our Health
~ Our ministries 

     : the Hubs, I believe, is High School Football officiating

     : William's Gift
~ Our vehicles and jobs

~ Our bible studies

~ and sooo much more


Do you have any goals for 2012?  I would love to hear some!

Good Tidings of Comfort and Joy

Christmas this year was full of comfort and much joy!

Our simple tree that was only adorned in a few bulbs, 

a gold angel-top and the white lights

After a few weeks of really having a "Perspective Check", I was quite relieved to have a small, intimate celebration this year with family.   

On Christmas Eve, my pa-n-ma in law came over for dinner and a little gift exchange.   

I made a Macadamia Crusted Halibut (that I caught) with a Citrus-Shallot Sauce as the main course - mmmm.   We played games and just laughed while listening to Christmas music.

 

Our cozy little fire going - I LOVE the smell of wood burning

My ma-in-law giving Miss Marianne her gift

I gave her an apron and cleaning gloves for the new kitchen they are building

She was OVER the Moon for them!!

Playing Apples to Apples  

Fun!

Christmas Day,  the Hubs and I had a very quiet day.  We stayed home and listened to sermons on a podcast (from the Village Church in Dallas TX).  I completed some knitting projects and spoke with my siblings over the phone.  We exchanged our personal gifts to each other (and of course, stockings!)

For dinner, it was the two of us and Oh so Wonderful!   The Hubs BBQ'd shrimp and steak - which we decided will be a tradition for us :-)  yay - we're starting to get some!!!

Yup, this is how we do it!

I made a hearty salad, baked onions and some roasted yukon gold potatoes.  We had a nice little feast to celebrate the birth of our Savior.

Table set and ready for My Man 

When I think of the word Christmas, I always think of it in reverse: Mas Christus, or More Christ.  We praise Jesus for His presence in our lives and rejoice in His present to us.    

"And behold, an angel of the Lord stood before them, 

and the glory of the Lord shone around them, 

and they were greatly afraid. 

Then the angel said to them, 

'Do not be afraid, for behold, 

I bring you good tidings of great joy 

which will be to all people. 

For there is born to you this day 

in the city of David a Savior, 

who is Christ the Lord.'"

Luke 2:9-11 (NKJV)

We pray you have received good tidings of great joy this day that we celebrate the birth of our Savior and all the year through!!  

Tree Traditions

YAY - we finally got a tree up!  

This year, we decided to change our usual decor.  For the past six years, we've had colored lights with purple & red as the accent colors.   Unlike many that we know, we don't really have any 'milestone' ornaments or decorations, so we're not really attached and decided we needed a change!

This year, we wanted something brighter.  So, we got clear lights with green, clear iridescent and champagne colored ornaments.  It is much more simple than we've had in the past, but it's beautiful!!

And I LOVE it!

We haven't added all our other Christmas decorations yet (i.e. Nativity Set, Christmas Village, Wreaths, etc), so I may be working on that the rest of the week... Although, if we don't get around to it, at least my tree is up :-)

Growing up, getting our tree and decorating it was a highlight of Christmas for me.  My mom liked to go find and cut our tree on her birthday weekend.  We would make a whole day of sledding and drinking homemade hot cocoa.

The day after we cut the tree, all of us siblings would gather and decorate the tree.  It was, no doubt, covered in homemade ornaments that all of us would bring home from school (and my mom's tree still is).   We'd race to mom (who would prep the ornaments for hanging) to get the ones we made and fight to hang it in our favorite location on the tree.

And tinsel!  We loved adding the tinsel - and I was the crazy one who would fix everyone else's tinsel clumps later on. (I think my sister did too, but she never let me catch her if she did)

I wonder what traditions we'll create with our children one day.

Today, I started a new tradition for our family.  I learned last week that the second Sunday of December is a day of remembrance to those grieving the loss of a child.  At 7pm (in your local time zone), candles are lit for one hour to remember the children that have passed away and their parents and family that are grieving.   This was started 15 years ago by The Compassionate Friends.

We lit two candles. One for our son, William Ryan, and one for my friend's daughter, Faith Ann.  Both were born sleeping.

I am glad to have at least one tradition to add to our December days in the future years to come.  Perhaps we'll start another new one in the next couple weeks.

Oh, and here's one that I won't forget!

What are some traditions you have, or remember from your childhood?  Would love to hear about some!

Surrender

Isn't it funny how you can listen to the same song over and over and over again and then BLAM, a new meaning has been attached?   Well, that happened for me today.

Photo taken by a friend.  This was my first time at the ocean and a wave swept me off my feet.

I drove to a neighboring town with my dear friend, Traci, and we were listening to one of our fave songs..........on repeat!!   (This is something we do, and just further confirmation we were designed to be friends)   Anyway, in the last two lines of the first verse are:

"There's a wave that's crashing over me

All I can do is surrender"

I grew up in a town that is known for white water rafting.   The river running through consists of class III & IV rapids.  With an upbringing in a town such as that, one can't get through without going rafting a time a two (or too many times to count).  One of the things I remember learning is that if I got dumped out in a rapid (wave), just let the rapid take me through the motion, don't fight it.  Once out of the rapid, swim to the shore or an Eddy.    

Listening to this song today, those two lines stuck out and brought me back to the memory of rafting.  In order to get to the calmer waters so you can swim to the shore, you have to get through the wave. The best way to get through it, is to surrender and it will bring you out - but once out, swim to shore and rest, otherwise you risk getting pulled away by the current and having a repeat situation.

Rocks in the way are often what make the rapids; which paints another fabulous image.  The water rushes all around and over the rock, but the foundation of the rock is solid and does not move.  The rock is not without change though. The water rushing around it is smoothing and changing the shape of this rock, which over time, could change the way the river flows in that area.  

We talked about this in depth.  It's such a beautiful picture of God coming over us and changing us.  When He is molding us, it can be scary, it can be confusing, it can even be painful.  

"Consider it pure joy, my [sisters], whenever you face trials of many kinds,

because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.

Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature 

and complete, not lacking in anything"

~ James 1:2-4 (NIV)

James tells us "whenever you face trials", not "if".  We will face trials.  In our trials, we can surrender to Jesus to take us through the wave and we can stand firm on our foundation. Or we can fight the wave, which will also tire us from being able to swim to shore and risk forcing us down with the current with the possibility of repeating the situation.

When we surrender ourselves to Jesus, we may not understand what's happening, but there is a peace.  We may not see what is happening, but He will guide us.  It may feel and seem as though our life is in chaos and we don't know when it will end, but He is working something so beautiful in us, that if we fight against it, we will miss the joy and the peace and the blessings that come only from surrendering to Him and His will. 

The chorus of the song explains it so perfectly:

"Whatever you're doing inside of me

It feels like chaos somehow there's peace

It's hard to surrender to what I can't see

but I'm giving in to something heavenly" 

This song has ministered to me so often over the years.    I hope you find comfort in the Truth that is so beautifully shared.

Enjoy!

Boxes for Faith and William's Gift

We have had quite the weekend of work around here.  Friday night, I got together with some ladies and we put together Boxes for Faith to take to the local hospitals.

Boxes for Faith is a recently formed idea that a friend started; in October, she gave birth to Faith Ann, who was 'born sleeping'.  These are 'memory' boxes filled with items given to moms whose babies are "still"born (or sleeping as we like to call it).

She asked myself and another gal to be apart of this.  (And any and all family and friends who want to participate).   I quickly jumped at the opportunity since I was already in the works of starting an organization for my own son, William Ryan, (who was born sleeping six years ago) called William's Gift and asked her if I could include Boxes for Faith in the William's Gift umbrella.  I had been praying for God to direct the path He wanted me to take, and boy did He!  I love His faithfulness!!!

So, Friday night, a group of us put together 40 boxes of items and prayed that these boxes would last Anchorage a VERY LONG TIME as we do not hope that any should go through this, but we DO want whoever does to know that there is a support group of women who have been through it.

(L-R) Kim, myself, and Brittany behind most of the boxes that were completed

Me filling boxes 

With us, a wonderful group of women who came to help and have shown unending love and support through the hard times and grieving

In the boxes, we added:

• foot & hand print kits
• disposable cameras
• a precious little photo album
• a candle (to burn for one hour on the second Sunday in Dec)
• baby booties
• a gauze drawstring bag 
• little beanies/hats
• and a sympathy card 

One of our main goals, is to bring awareness to the reality of 'still'borns.  So many women and marriages go through this alone in fear of talking about it and thinking they truly are alone in this experience.   We want to build a support group for these women and marriages and families.  

We refer to our babies as "born sleeping" because we know they will be in Heaven when we get there. We also call it "still"born instead of stillborn because we did go through labor and give birth, so our babies were stillborn, they were just born sleeping.

These are the scriptures we find comfort in:

He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young - Isaiah 40:11(NIV)

Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these." - Matthew 19:14 (NIV)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." - Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

I also find great comfort in the verse from Job 14:5 that refers to man's days being determined and numbered.  God IS the giver of life.  He knows the numbers our days for us.  He had a purpose for my son, and He knew the number of days his heart would beat.

My son fulfilled his purpose. 

Also this song by Natalie Grant.  I listen to it over and over and over when I'm in my moments of not understanding.

I actually have a whole playlist (of course I do) that I listen to over and over and over again in my sad moments:

Quiet My Heart - Brooke Barrettsmith

Give Me Jesus - Jeremy Camp

Held - Natalie Grant

Never Let Go - David Crowder Band

You're Not Alone - Meredith Andrews

God Moves In A Mysterious Way - Jeremy Riddle

This Little Light of Mine - Addison Road

O Praise Him (All This for a King) - David Crowder Band

Walk by Faith - Jeremy Camp

In Christ Alone - Natalie Grant

What verses do you find comfort in/meditate on?  Do you have a 'comfort' song, or playlist?  Please share what quiets your heart and soul.