flowers falling from the sky

 "It's spring time, so those are little flowers falling from the sky. 

It does not snow in the spring. " 

~ Lanie Nehren

wisdom from a friend's five year old daughter

This time of year says it should be warming up and turning green.  We hit around 40 degrees.  The snow is melting.  The roads are turning to giant puddles.  The Car Wash is the most popular place to be as there are lines around the buildings.  The studded tires are starting to be removed from vehicles.

The clothing lines in the stores turn into pastel colors, tshirts, sandals, etc.  The winter clothes go on clearance and we rush in to get next fall/winter 'sizes' for our little ones at a great price.  Commercials have people frolicking around in shorts and fresh painted toenails, sitting under trees in parks, enjoying lemonade and watermelon.

We get so excited, we spring clean, we put away our North Face 700 down coats, we prep the skis for a season in the shed, we tune our bikes and plan upcoming rides, we put away our snow boots and ice grippers, we start sorting and airing out our camping gear while planning summer hikes.

We get excited to put away our humidifiers, we start planning our summer garden and prepping our seedlings....AND then Alaska says

"Just Kidding!!!"

We take a deep sigh.  We pull back out our winter gear.  We store all that spring/summer gear in a corner (or several) of our home - letting it take up residence in hopes it will be used soon.  

This is a quick picture of what happened this week.  This whole week, it was gorgeous.  Warm sunny days.  Phalen and I went to the zoo twice.  I wore just a hooded sweatshirt and he was able to go without a snowsuit (just fleece pants, a little coat and a beanie for him).  

Grizzly Bear, in the background, soaking up the sun's rays.

I pulled out my Bogs to slush through the puddles.  Washed the vehicle.  Even opened the sunroof a bit.  Started introducing Phalen to shoes that aren't lined with fleece or faux fur.

And then last night, rumors started that we would be receiving 6-10 inches of snow over the weekend.  We woke up this morning to a fresh white blanket.  The beep-beep-beep-scchhhhhhrrrrr  sound of the snowplows at work sounding as our alarm.  And a deep desire for a hot cup of tea, a blanket and a fire setting in.  

Spring time in Alaska is not the spring time I grew up with in Idaho. But nonetheless, I will resist my desires, pull on my snow boots, put on my winter coat, head outside and twirl senselessly with my face to the sky and my tongue out and

 catch the flowers that are falling from the sky.

Hope y'all are having a beautiful spring, whether white or green.

40 Days

Next week, Thursday to be exact, is the first day of the Bible Study/Life Group I will be facilitating.  Nervous? Yes!  Excited? Yes!  Coveting Prayers?  YES!

We are starting in Acts.  Does that strike anyone else as "coincidentally" appropriate?  I have to confess, until this morning, it hadn't even dawned on me the timing!!  (I don't believe in coincidence if following God's will and path.) 

I had been praying, prior to deciding what to do, that the Spirit would reveal to me what type of study I should do and where we should start...I felt a very clear direction to start in Acts and just walk through the Word.  Before I was able to share that with the Pastor, he said "Let me tell you what I would like to see..." and proceeded to tell me how he would love it if we just went straight through the books of the Bible

(Confirmation??  I think so!)

I then shared with him that I was feeling led to start in the book of Acts.  Prior to today, this made sense to me because:

a) I've attended several studies that started in Acts, but we never finished (anyone who knows me,  

    knows I like to finish a book - even if I don't like the book, like "Lord of the Flies") 
b) our church is currently on a Matthew through John challenge, so the following book would be Acts

Doesn't that make sense?!

Today, I feel I received a very valuable realization...

Acts begins with a brief what Jesus did after He rose and before He ascended.

YES- I already knew that!  

But what I didn't realize (because I'm horrible with time), is that we would be starting our study the Thursday following Easter Sunday - 

what's that?!  Do I mean Resurrection Sunday?!  Why yes, yes I do!!  

And that, my friends, is where my "coincidentally appropriate" comes in!  ('scuse my excitement, I get this way when I feel God showing me new stuff, even if it's tiny).  This may be something you already thought of- I'm typically a bit late on the uptake.

As I was reading Acts 1 this morning (and having my epiphany), the 40 days stood out to me.  Maybe it's all my singing of Arky Arky to Phalen - 

you know "The Lo-ord told Noah to build him an Arky Arky...

get.those.animals out of the muddy muddy"

(now it's stuck in your head isn't it?!)

anyways, 40 days has been standing out to me a lot.  

God used 40 days with Noah (see above song referenced).  Jesus was in the wilderness fasting for 40 days.  And in Acts 1, Jesus spent 40 days, after He rose, proving He is alive and spreading the news of the Kingdom of God.(vs 3)  40 seems to be an important number!  I'm not a theologian, so currently I don't know the significance, but I am going to be looking into that.

Reading this, I was moved to challenge myself to let Jesus prove Himself to me.  Ok, before this sounds like some sort of heresy, let me state for the record that Jesus does not have to prove Himself to me; 

I am a full blown, sold out believer in Jesus Christ as my Lord and Saviour!

  

But I would be kidding myself to say that I see Him in my everyday life....not that He isn't there, it's just I fail to pay attention.  

I fail to let Jesus reveal Himself to me in the ways He wants to.  

I fail to feel Him in the wind and see Him in the sunsets.  

I fail to experience Him in relationships. 

I fail to breathe Him in from the scent of a rose.  

Not everyday, of course!  There are days I'm seeing and feeling and breathing and experiencing Jesus in all that is around and all that I do.  But if I were to be honest, I would say it's not enough.  And I would say I can have a bad moment afterwards and forget about it.  I would say:

"I do believe, Lord, help my unbelief" - Mark 9:24

Because in the end, isn't that what it's about...we fail to believe?!  For isn't it that if we had belief even the amount of a mustard seed..........And didn't Jesus have to prove himself to his own apostles because they didn't believe?!

Soooo, back to my challenge.  For 40 days, I will be looking for Jesus, and I will be asking Him to "prove" Himself to me. And I realize that much of how/where I see Him right now is in my lil Sweet P, after all, he's a gift from God, but I will be trying to look beyond my son.  See past his cute little chubby cheeks to the sunset in the background.  Look up at the night sky to be enamored by the stars instead of stare at Sweet P's little person when I'm rocking & nursing him when he wakes at 2am.  Engage with the cashier at the grocery store rather than make googley eyes & sounds with my baby.  And any other way the Lord chooses to reveal Himself or use me. 

*but don't think I won't still be fully engrossed in my son

can't help it.  he's got me where he wants me*

I am sad that I have to challenge myself on something like this.  I wish I could say this is just second nature, but I would be lying (and let's face it, I have enough things on my list to work on, trying to keep lying off that list - even though I'm pretty good at lying to myself and ignoring what's truly in my ugly wicked heart).

My hope and my prayer is that this will become second nature, 

that I will not need a challenge to force me to pay attention to Jesus 

and what he's trying to share with me.

I will be starting this 40 days after Resurrection Day, just like Jesus did.  I think I might even extend the challenge to the group of women that come to the study.  

How about you, will you take this challenge with me?
Is there something else you wish to work on over the next 40 days?

Easy Vegan Bread Recipe

"And I will bring a morsel of bread, that you may refresh your hearts..."

-Genesis 18:5a

Since finding out my little boy has an intolerance to Dairy, Eggs, and Oats, I have been on a mission to find delicious replacements to some of my favorite consumables.  I pray daily that the Lord will continue to nourish us and provide for us.  

I know, I know, Dairy, Eggs and Oats are not the be all, end all of food, but they were all staples to my everyday diet.

One of the things I have a difficult time finding, in the grocery stores, that I can eat (without repercussions to Sweet P) is bread.   It seems that all bread is made with either eggs, oats, dairy preservatives or all of the above.  I can't escape it all!  I did find one that had such a minute amount of oats, that it only mildly affected Sweet P.  So, I went in search of an easy to make, vegan recipe.  And I was "pin-spired" with this recipe.

Fresh loaves, out of the oven

This was so easy to do- The hardest part was literally just reading the instructions thoroughly.

Oh, and it's even been hubby approved!!!

Of course, I did the butter ingredient to make it fully vegan, and since we try to eat organically, I changed some other ingredients as well.

So let's get yours started-

Ingredients:

2 cups lukewarm water

2 Tblsp. sugar- evaporated cane juice (or xylitol)

1 Tblsp. dry active yeast 

2 Tblsp.  butter substitute - softened (I use Earth Balance buttery spread)

5 1/2 cups all purpose flour + a bit more for kneading the dough

1Tblsp kosher salt

Good stand mixer with a dough hook.  

Large glass bowl

Piece of Saran Wrap (will cover the glass bowl)

2 bread pans

Olive oil (to grease glass bowl & pans)

Directions:

In a stand mixer bowl, add warm water and sugar, whisk until sugar is completely dissolved.  Add the yeast, whisk again til the yeast is dissolved and walk away for 10 minutes.   This gives the yeast a proofing time.   

Grease the glass bowl and prep a piece of saran wrap (lightly grease one side of the saran wrap)

When you return, the yeast should have a lovely frothed layer on the surface...if it is not there, the yeast is inactive.  

Toss the contents, go to the store and purchase new yeast :)

When the yeast mixture appears as it should, add the flour and salt to the bowl.  Add the butter substitute in small pieces, and return bowl to stand mixer, using dough hook to mix & knead ingredients.  

I use the low speed to get started so to gently combine all the ingredients, 

then I turn it up one to knead.

Knead the dough about 3-5 minutes. It will be smooth, elastic and doesn't stick to the bowl or hook when ready.

Place the dough in the pre-greased glass bowl.  Loosely place the saran wrap over the bowl, greased side down.  Let sit in a warm place for an hour.  The dough will double in size.

Grease two loaf pans 

(I actually only had one loaf pan.  I used a round cake pan

 and loved the outcome of a nice round loaf-  

the perfect size for dinner bread)

Once doubled, punch down the dough - this releases any gas or air.  Knead it a couple of times and form it into a ball.  Your dough should not be sticky, it will be smooth.

Sprinkle flour on a board or counter top, set the dough ball on the flour.  Separate the dough into two equal parts (or as equal as can be).

I used a meat cleaver to separate mine, it's what I had.

To each half, knead it a few times- fold it in thirds over and over.  

You should now have two separate balls of dough.  

Form the dough to the shape of the pan and place into the pans.   Set the pans in a warm place - do not cover the dough this time.

Let the dough sit for an hour again.  Once again, the dough will double in size.

When dough has 15 minutes left, preheat oven to 350.  

Bake the bread for 35-40 minutes.

When bread is done, top will be light brown.

Remove the loaves from the oven and let cool for 5 minutes.  Once cooled, remove the loaves from the pan.

I place a kitchen towel over the loaf and 

I double it over on the handles- so it's thicker 

then tip the pan over to release the loaf into my towel. 

Thump the bottom of your loaf to ensure it's cooked through - it will sound hollow.  Let cool a little bit longer before slicing into it.

If you just can't, then don't!  

Just know it will be a bit gummy :)

This deliciousness does not have preservatives, so it will last about 4 days.  I kept old bread bags from store bought loaves to use as my bread bag :) - recycle, reuse, reduce!

My next venture will be making whole wheat loaves.

Enjoy!

Come In

"Do not forget to entertain strangers, for by so doing some have unwittingly 

entertained angels." 

~ Hebrews 13:2

Before I had Phalen, I thoroughly enjoyed meeting friends and getting to know people over coffee or dinner.  We would go to fave restaurants and could sit for hours talking, laughing, crying, praying, etc.   Now, that's not quite as easy to do.  For one, Phalen has a schedule that we learned early on we must adhere to.  And for another, it's just not something I can afford now that we are down to one income; which we in NO WAY regret that decision :)

Going for a walk on the Coastal Trail to Snow City Cafe for some Hot Tea

I do like to have people over from time to time, but even that can be somewhat overwhelming.  So, I'm going to start a little series called "Come In".  I can indulge in some random small talk, albeit one sided, in no particular order or theme- I will share with you what I would probably say should you have the opportunity to stop by.  And maybe you can comment or email to share with me what's been going on, and/or should we talk/email/chat you'll have been 'caught up' (provided I keep up with my blog better than I have been).

So please, won't you Come In.  

Please ignore any mess, I've been behind on house work since Aug 28th, 2012 

(yup, when my lil Sweet P arrived)

I will offer you water or tea. I can make some coffee, if you'd like, it will be from a french press as I put away the brew pot and no longer drink it.  I will be gagging down some "mother's milk" tea in hopes to keep my supply for Sweet P.   I recently tried my skill at homemade bread, would you like a piece with jam or honey?  I prefer raspberry jam, but only have strawberry right now.  I will confess my bread making is a way, I found, that I can save us money on our monthly budget.  And then I will chuckle to myself remembering a conversation I had with a person who told me they are allergic to the word "budget".

I will share how proud I am of my husband- working on his Masters, working full time, and working at being the best daddy ever.  I beam knowing that by his actions, Phalen will see the example of a great man.  That by his words, Phalen will hear what a great man says.  That by his life, Phalen will know what a Godly man looks like.  And I pray that Phalen will be a great and Godly man too.

I will tell you how I taught Phalen to blow through his nose into a tissue by scrunching my nose and breathing heavy so that he would mimic me.  He's teething again and caught a cold, so his little noni is running and sore.   He's getting a third tooth, he's only 6 1/2 months.  I am feeling very sad that he is growing so quickly-

I will share my insight to the fact that I am going to be a stalker mom: I look at his pictures every night (when he goes to bed) from day one on my cell phone and instantly miss him and want him to wake up so I don't have to miss one minute of his life.  I want to hug him always.  Please know, I do look forward to him growing up and seeing the person he will become and watch how God will use him in the lives of others- I just repeatedly tell him (in a quasi creepy way) "I will be there with you"- then my husband reigns me back and says "no, we will let him go where he needs to."  Sigh, do all moms experience this, or am I alone here?

Phalen reading his favorite book "Little Blue Truck"

This morning, he clapped his hands for the first time, but the poor little guy started feeling bad again around 9:30am and stopped playing with me.

I will tell you that starting the first week of April, I will be leading a bible study at my church and then I will share that I am terrified!!  I do not know the first thing about this, but I have felt God calling me to this for some time.  Please pray for me. Pray for peace, comfort and trust in the Lord.  I know He has a plan, and He knows what He is doing- I am just a vessel and pray for His will and my willingness.

I will ask if you have signed up for Bunco Night that the TEARS Foundation is hosting on Saturday night.  If you haven't, I might ask what you are doing instead.  I might go silent for a bit, I am saddened that we need a foundation such as this, sad every time I have to share my story, and sad that people shy away from this.  I will then tell you that my stroller strides group decided to make the Bunco Night their "mom's night out" get together, and how happy and humbled I am by that.  I will also invite you to sign up for the first annual Color Run in Alaska under team TEARS Alaska, and I would ask if you would email the Color Run and nominate TEARS Alaska Chapter to be the recipient of the charitable donation.

Since we're on the topic of runs, I would ask if you'll do the March of Dimes - Walk for Babies with me for Team William Ryan.  This year, William's little brother will be doing it with me.  Then I will go quiet for a minute as I ponder what Phalen will think in life growing up knowing he has an older brother he'll meet in Heaven.  How will I explain it and how long until he understands?  Will Phalen pick up 'doing' in memory of William when he is older, or will it be something that he only does with me?

Getting ready for his first food! (Avocado)

I will tell you that Phalen has started eating real food!  Only at dinner time; I make it for him.  His favorite, so far, is Acorn Squash.  He really doesn't like Green Beans.  Avocado was good.  I will tell you that we had a little dinner party just for his first eat- Is that a little overboard?  Well, it will calm you to know it was just his MeMe and PaPa. :)  I would confess that we did plan it for almost two weeks and had a very nice meal- we even broke out the cloth napkins!  And then I would laugh, both at the truth and my realized absurdity that I may be one of those moms that does a little too much.  I will probably then go quiet, thinking "it's ok if I do a little too much, there's never going to be a time that I will look back wishing I hadn't made a big deal out of little milestones" and I will contentedly smile.

I will share that this morning, as I was rocking Phalen awake in his room, I saw dirt along my fence line- the snow is melting!  I share that I wish I had planted some tulips or daffodils last fall so that I could watch them grow and bud in that dirt along the fence line.  I will tell you that I am ready for spring and the growing season.  I want to smell dirt and see greens and yellows and oranges and pinks and all other colors that the season will bring.

I will confess that I would like prayer for sleep and my anxiousness.  I don't sleep well even if Sweet P does because I am anxious wondering why he hasn't woken yet.  I will ask what I can pray over you for....... we may even pray for each other then.

Before you go, I will share a sweet little song that speaks to this transition of seasons

Thank you for stopping by.  I am grateful for the conversation.

The idea for this post came from the beautiful Casey, of the The Weigands

Desires

Is it wrong to have desires?

Should I not have wants?

I remember growing up, we'd play a game called "I claim".  We would see something we wanted and we'd say "I claim that Lamborghini" and so that became "Mine" when I grew up and none of my siblings could claim the same Lamborghini as me...they had to find a different one to claim if they wanted it.

[Source]

Do you remember this?!  Oh it was so cool back then

When mom would catch us, we'd get in t-r-o-u-b-l-e!  

Mom didn't really like us having such wants.

I think about this quite frequently.  America is 'fat' on things!  We have and we have.  So often the phrase "First World Problem" soars through my mind.  So much so, I feel I can just acronym it now

That's another F.W.P. if you know what I mean...

(If it wasn't for that "W", I'm sure it would catch on pretty quickly.)

I have a wonderful husband, a beautiful son, a home, food, a loving family, health insurance, a vehicle... a kitchenaid... I mean what more could I want?!

my family to live closer to us, or better - us to move closer to them

remodel and redecorate my home (starting with new interior paint)

to go on an amazing vacation to another continent

to adopt a little girl from Guatemala (I don't know why-just want to)

a dehydrator, bigger crock-pot, waffle iron, etc

a great big back yard with LOTS of sun for a garden and beautiful raised beds

an insulated and electric greenhouse for yummy veggies all winter

to be able to eat eggs again (coming as soon as Sweet P is done nursing)

to have an amazing talent that I could market

and sooo many more things!!

See.....F.W.P.!

And most of these are solvable with enough money...but is there every really "enough" money...and isn't that just another desire?!

This topic of desires/wants has come up quite a bit in my world.  Sometimes it's because my friends and I are actually hashing out these questions and confessing our hearts sins and hurts... Other times it's because I'm confused why wanted objects have become such an intense need in a friend's life, or my life. 

So, what's the answer?

Well, I don't have 'the' answer, I'm sure!  But I know what scripture says - aside from the "Thou Shalt Not Covet" that is.

So here's my hash out:

God created us to want and to desire so that we would desire Him and a life with Him.  
We will always desire something more, until we are in perfect communion with Him: 

"...He has put eternity in their hearts..." - Ecclesiastes 3:11b

"Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart". - Psalm 37:4

"...who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's." - Psalm 103:5

"And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart." - Jeremiah 29:13

Reading these, I see a generous Father, who desires to give to us.

And He knows we have desires - HE GAVE US the desire to desire! 

But our heart motive plays the biggest role here.  Are we seeking God's will and His desires for our life?  When we seek Him, and His will, our desires will be what He wants for us.

I remember the years after William, I wanted a baby so badly.  I was so angry that I didn't get to bring William home with me.  I didn't know how to tell people about him.  When people would ask if we were going to start trying to have a family, I wanted to yell at them

"WE ARE A FAMILY"

And then I wanted to yell at them the truth of our family.   I would get upset seeing unwed mothers having babies.  I would get upset seeing pregnant women smoke, or 'just have a sip' of wine or beer.  I was happy for my friends that I felt "deserved" a baby when they told me they were pregnant, but if I felt they didn't deserve it, I was jealous and angry.  (Reality check- Who am I to judge who deserves this and who doesn't?!)

In my desires to have a baby, I became very sinful!  I didn't speak it aloud, but OH BOY! was it ever in my heart.  It was U-G-L-Y!  I was ugly!

How could I do a "good work" for my Savior when my heart's focus was not on the desires He had for me.  My heart's focus was definitely on what I wanted for me... (Like I know what's best for me)

"The righteousness of the upright delivers them, but the unfaithful are trapped by evil desires" - Proverbs 11:6

"...but the worries of this life, the deceitfulness of wealth and the desires for other things come in and choke the word, making it unfruitful."  - Mark 4:9

Thankfully, His perfect Love is so much bigger than my selfish desires.  God understands me!  He knows my emotions, my hurts, my angers, my bitterness.  He understands me because HE CREATED ME!  And He created me with emotions...but He also created me to desire Him.  To seek Him.  To look to Him when I am hurt and angry and bitter.  And regardless of what a brat I am being, He can still and does still use me.

He lovingly worked me through my emotions and desires.  And I found myself really truly desiring what He wanted for me!  How do I know this?  Well, because I wasn't angry and bitter when I would see unwed pregnant women, instead I wanted to help them...they are going to have a hard road and need help.  I wasn't angry and bitter when I saw pregnant women smoke, I was sad and would pray for them and that child(ren).  I began to see that nobody 'deserves' anything we are given, but that

God blesses all of us - 

and His blessings don't look the same for everyone, 

but they are just as amazing 

because it's what God knows is perfect for you!

I would battle keeping this desire in check though.  Over the years, I definitely had to examine my heart on this many times... And I remember the day I really truly gave this over.  It was so freeing!   And a few months later, I found out I was going to have my little Sweet P.

My desire was one God had for me, I just had years of my heart putting my desire above all else and that desire became my idol.

So, if God created me to have desires, how can they be wrong?

He created us to desire a life with Him and eternity with Him.  We will be "wanting" until we are home with Him - we are strangers in this world and will be lacking in comfort until we are HOME.

In our sinful human nature, we fill those wants and desires with THINGS (house, car, spouse, children, degrees, top of the corporate ladder, etc) and we always think our life will be complete "once" we obtain ____________ (fill in the blank)

NOT SO!

But don't forget-

The One who made the stars does not want you to be satisfied with what you can obtain on earth.

He wants you to desire a life with Him - to be satisfied with in a joy given by Him

God does give to us desires in this world, but it is our heart's motive that will gauge if our desire is Godly or worldly.  And He does bless us with things in this world.  

And what HE gives is Good!

What desires do you feel God has placed on your heart lately?  I would love to hear what Good Things and Opportunities God is blessing you with.

Adventures with a Four Month Old

Sweet P received his first TWO teeth within one day of each other.  Both in his Fourth Month (aye-yaye-yaye).

Look closely, you can see one of his little toofers on the left
and you can barely see the top of his other one on the right.

He's not really understanding this new word "NO". (I do breast feed - so put two & two together) He laughs when I say that to him.  And since it's a new facial expression also, that's funny to him....he actually tries to mimic me.

Any advice from you moms experienced in this area can give me, is GREATLY appreciated!

It's true that parents are the ones who teach their children bad habits.  Before having one, we all say "I would never do...." but truth is, all those "I would nevers" go out the window as soon as your little one is laughing and smiling at you.  That being the case, the Hubs and I taught Sweet P a bad habit - already!  

Yup, we sure did! We taught him to stick his tongue out and blow.... He loves it!  And we laugh and laugh and tell him how cute he is and how smart and...and Oh Boy! this is going to bite us in the hiney later when we have to teach him to "stop, it's rude".

Look what we're doing!  We're already causing our little munchkin to need therapy for his upbringing.

Of course, we are trying to teach some good habits like learning to crawl!  We use a rubber ball and roll him back and forth on it.  And most recently, we've put him on the mombo and he rocks on it - it's sooo cute!

What sorts of bad good habits do you teach your kids?  Or bad good habits your parents taught you?

I would love to hear some fun stories!

Not A Sparrow Falls - the Story of my Profession of Faith

"Are not two sparrows sold for a copper coin? 

And not one of them falls to the ground without apart from your Father's will.

Do not fear therefore;

You are of more value than many Sparrows."

- Matthew 10:29 & 31 (NKJV)

Over the past few weeks, I've had the opportunity to hear stories of how God has been using my testimony.  It wasn't until about a year and a half ago that I really started to share my story.  I was 'ashamed' for so many reasons.  I felt guilt, worthlessness, sadness, anger, and a whole myriad of other emotions.  So, to 7+ years later hear that God has been using it, well, that's just a humbling, amazing, face to the ground blessing.  

I've made mention on this blog to my son William, but have not shared my testimony of my profession of faith in Jesus Christ.  William is part of that testimony.  I feel God calling me to share my story more and more these days, and as hesitant as I can be with that, I am going to be obedient.  I am going to start by sharing it here.  I warn you, it is long!

I received this image from a friend.
I am not sure where they received it,
but I love the image 

In 2005, my husband and I were expecting our first baby.  We went in to the 20 week checkup to find out the gender and found out there was something wrong with our baby boy that was suspected to be Trisomy 18, or Edward's Syndrome.  We went to several different doctors, including specialists, and had an amniocentesis to confirm.  We knew we wouldn't bring our baby boy home with us and we started changing our thought process from prepping for a baby to prepping for grief.

At 23 weeks into my pregnancy, I delivered William Ryan.  

His heart stopped beating on October 6th, 2005.  

I was induced at 6am on October 10th, 2005.  Four days later was the soonest they could schedule an induction.  I was in labor for a little over 26 hours.

 October 11th, 2005,  I delivered my son. 

I was not a Christian then.  It would be another 4 and 1/2 months before I turned to Jesus and accepted Him into my life.   

I knew there was no making sense of what we went through, that's just life.

I spent the next 4 1/2 months in a life of fear and depression.  

I stopped doing my hobbies because all I saw in doing them was death.  

I had started knitting earlier that year, but stopped because I literally envisioned an earthquake happening and the needles piercing through my eye or chest during a jolt.

  

I was afraid to drive my car because I envisioned fatal car accidents. 

I was afraid to go to work in fear that the brick building would collapse and be fatal. 

I was afraid to sit in my house because someone might break in.  

My life was so riddled with fears, I had to force myself to go to work because I knew that I still needed my job and an income.  

Aside from my fears, I felt like a failure.  

I felt the person I had failed the most was my husband. 

I would say to myself "why would he want to be married to me?  I can't even give him a healthy child." This would be repeated in my head over and over for months.  

I started acting upon that thought and became not nice to him... literally saying to myself 

"well, if I can get him to leave me, then he can find someone else that can give him a child and it will be my fault, not his."  

Thankfully, my husband is AMAZING! 

I will never forget the day I was walking up the stairs and I said something very snide to him.  He looked at me and said 

"I lost him too, Secora.  I'm hurting too.  

Being mean isn't going to fix it or change it.  

We need to work through this together."  

WHOA, was that a wake up call!!  He just has a way of knowing what is going through my head/heart and not letting me wallow in it for too long.

During this time, I constantly felt chaos pouring through my head.

I would listen to music to try and drown out the chaos (music has always been my outlet, my comfort).  My music became just more chaos so I started flipping through the radio stations.  I finally found a radio station that didn't seem to add to the noise in my head, 

but rather calm it...it was so nice...

then I would hear the words

 prayer, God, Jesus, Christian

Well THAT is NOT what I needed. Or so I thought!

Over the next few weeks, I started finding this scenario repeat more and more frequently.  I got to the point where I started leaving the station on (which I discovered was K-LOVE)  because it just really felt good to have my mind calmed for a moment, however brief that moment may be.  

One day in January, I came home and told my husband I wanted to start going to church.  Neither one of us knew where to go, but I wanted to go.  I looked up some churches in the directory and we started going to a couple - the benefit of being in a city, there are services multiple times a week/day.  One of the churches we were attending had a group study called Alpha; we started attending that on Thursday nights.

On February 23, 2006, Justin and I were driving home from our third session of Alpha.  It was dark outside, and there was a freezing rain, but no snow around - it had all melted.  We stopped at a stoplight and I started crying.  Justin looked over at me and asked what was wrong, I burst out 

"I'm going to hell." 

He asked me what I wanted to do about it and I replied that I didn't know, but I didn't want to go to hell.  We drove the rest of the way home (which seemed almost an eternity) in silence.  Maybe he talked, maybe I talked, but I don't remember that.  What I do remember is that the entire ride home, 

I contemplated whether I should give my life to Jesus or not.  

I sat and thought of all the things I would have to change in my life.  I thought about the friendships this would affect, if I did choose Jesus.  I tried to rationalize if I could just "be a good person"...  

Truth is, I was a horrible person.  I had so many things I had written up as "I don't regret because it's those things that have made me who I am today and I am a strong person because of them." 

WHAT A LIE we tell ourselves!!   

It was those things that kept me steeped in darkness and death!

It was those things that made me weak. 

and fearful.  

and untrusting.

We finally arrived home, we didn't say much to each other for a bit.  We both got ready for bed.  As I was sitting on the bed, my husband came in with a Bible.  He read a few scriptures out of it (I don't even remember which ones they were), then asked me if I wanted to pray.  I said Yes.  

And then I said "YES" to Jesus.

After turning my life over to Christ, my grief, my depression, my fears became easier to deal with.  It was still there, but He comforted me and gave me a peace that surpasses all understanding.  It was then that I started to realize 

my son's life, however brief, made a huge impact. 

I began to realize that every moment since knowing I was pregnant with him and since, has been a gift.   He saved my life both spiritually and physically. Not only did I come to know Jesus, but we also discovered I had medical needs that we were not aware of prior to.  

I am so grateful for the sacrifice Jesus made for us.  My life has been filled with amazing adventures and wonderful people that God has given me.   

Today, I still have fears...they are not the same as they were then, but they are fears.  I don't battle with depression - yes, I still have moments where I get depressed and I feel helpless, but it is not the same as it was then- I know I have Hope.  I still grieve not being able to hold and kiss my son, William, but I rejoice in that he doesn't have to experience a life and a world without Jesus. 

I will tell Phalen about his older brother.  After all, he will need to know who it is he will meet one day.   I look forward to the day I get to see my son, and I know I will because 

 I said "YES" to Jesus.